Anyone can be a victim of domestic violence.

I was delighted to learn that The House of Representatives  passed H.R.1620, the Violence Against Women Reauthorization Act of 2021, with strong bipartisan support. H.R.1620 is a modest bill with targeted enhancements that increase access to services and prevention for all survivors.

Anyone can be a victim of domestic violence. There is NO "typical victim." Victims of domestic violence come from all walks of life, varying age groups, all backgrounds, all communities, all education levels, all economic levels, all cultures, all ethnicities, all religions, all abilities, and all lifestyles.

I have worked with many women who have stayed in abusive relationships for decades.

(Men are also victims of domestic violence; I am speaking here from my own limited experience of persons I have personally worked with without any intention of negating  or discounting the facts as to the occurrence of male victims of domestic violence.) 

Countless times, women, who have children with their abuser, have explained to me that they feel they can not leave a violent relationship until their children "are out of the house." This usually means graduated from high school.

They fear for the children's safety if they leave, either because the children will be unable to come with them or because the presumption of joint custody means the children will be alone with the violent parent 50% of the time. This is also a concern for many who live with a partner with substance abuse problems. Both groups perceive staying in the relationship as being protective of their children.

This is a very tough situation to be in. There are many different factors to consider.

One woman relayed a very sad story to me last week.

This woman is a wonderful person and mother. She had been living through cycles of violence for years.  However, she was fearful that if she left the marriage, her partner would, as he had threatened, take her children from her. 

While she conceded that she did not believe the scenario of him taking the children completely away from her was likely, she did believe he would certainly obtain shared and equal parenting time. 

The woman new the children were aware of the abuse, despite her trying to hide it from them for years. But, she still believed their knowledge of what was going on was better than the risk of them being a victim themselves if she was not around to protect them. She felt certain that if her husband did not have her to take out his anger on, he would certainly turn to the kids as scapegoats.

We spoke about the options she could or should consider. I couldn't possibly know the heartache and fear she was experiencing for her life and for her children, for I had never been in her shoes.

When she left our meeting, all she could promise me was that she would always know a safe place she and her children could escape to quickly if necessary.

One of the possibilities she found very unlikely came true.

Her strategy of keeping her kids safe by staying in the marriage was not sustainable if her husband were the one to leave her. Her husband did file for divorce and for shared equal parenting time.

A week later, the woman's attorney listened to her as she described the violence in the marriage.

When the woman said that this was why the spouse could not be permitted to have 50/50 custody, the attorney compassionately responded, "That was terrible but that was only against you. He never hurt the children."

The woman said that she knew that he would take his anger out on the children if he could not take it out on her. She had been a buffer. 

The attorney explained that a fear of something happening in the future, for which there was no evidence to point to today, would not be a winning argument in a custody battle.  There was no evidence that the spouse would be likely to hurt the children.

The woman described for the attorney the innuendos and implicit threats the spouse had made about the children. The attorney asked her how long this had gone on for. She responded that it had been going on for many years. To which her attorney responded, "If that were true why didn't you leave?  You yourself contributed to the potential danger by staying."

The woman was devastated and felt betrayed at multiple levels but most acutely she felt she had betrayed herself.  Inside, she knew that staying would not ultimately ensure the children's safety but did not want to accept this fact because of the certain shame they would all feel if the woman went and obtained a restraining order years before.

I will not second guess another mother's decisions. However, when in a difficult situation like this, it is important to critically analyze the steps we are taking that we think will maintain the status quo or provide our control over a matter.  What feels like control may be a matter of postponing and postponing can be used to discredit the person who merely wanted to be protective.

There is never one right answer. The problem is overwhelming. That's why I donate 4% of my net profits to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.  They can help on a large scale in ways I know I can do little. 

Not all of my clients are victims of domestic violence. The majority are not. However, many feel very alone in a difficult time. I have a goal to help 100,000 women get through divorce safely, financially and emotionally supported, without loss of spirit, and able to return to the joy of parenting, as well as empowered to live their best life.

Women need holistic strategies to combat the way divorce impacts every area of their lives.  They need community to share information with, to validate their feelings and to receive advice from when they feel taken advantage of by their ex or even their own attorney. They need a  multidisciplinary expert who understands both the legal and emotional and psychological terrain of divorce. That is what I want to provide in Break Up to Brilliance, community and expertise to help woman build a better life for themselves and their children after a divorce.

Jodi

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