You Don't Have to Start All Over After Divorce

Their relationship began brilliantly and Samantha and Tom went on to be married for 15 years.

They met in London while they were both participating in a fall semester abroad their senior year. Samantha attended college at Smith and Tom at Villanova.  Their universities held classes on the same campus and they met when they had both shown up at the wrong lecture hall for the first lecture in a series on life in London and found noone there but the other. By the time they found the correct location, the lecture was over and the two had already discovered they shared a love of fish and chips and so they had lunch together.

The two fell quickly in love and shared an extra week at the end of their term  traveling to the Greek islands of Mykonos and Santorini.

Arriving back in the states, just in time for the winter holidays, they met each other's families. Once the Spring semester commenced, they took turns visiting each other on the week-ends at each other's college apartments.

After graduation, they yearned to again come together and explore a place that was new. They moved to Phoenix, rented an apartment, got jobs, and began their life together. Samantha took an Americorp assignment and began teaching 7th graders at an inner city middle school and Tom became the manager of a popular bistro in an expensive shopping district in Scottsdale.

A year later they rented a convertible Mustang, drove to Vegas and were married.

By their first one year anniversary, Tom and Samantha spent much less time together. Their work schedules clashed. Tom worked late hours at the restaurant while Samantha worked during the day. Many nights Tom didn't arrive home until 2 or 3 in the morning. The restaurant closed at 11PM and the closing responsibilities were completed by 12 or 12:30 AM.  After closing, Tom ritually met the rest of the restaurant crew at an after hours bar and would have a few drinks, discuss the night, and attempt to wind down from what was always a busy night at the bistro. He often arrived home after 2 AM and slept through Samantha leaving to teach in the morning.

Tom maintained this schedule for 2 years. Samantha spent most of her evenings alone and  her resentment toward Tom grew. When it felt particularly acute, she asked herself why she had gotten married in the first place if she was going to eat dinner and watch TV alone every night. A bright spot was that they both remained smitten with traveling and they took wonderful road trips together during the summers exploring the Western United States.

During their trips, Samantha felt intensely connected to Tom and convinced herself that his schedule would change soon and they would spend more time together.  Plus, she wanted to start having children.

Ten years later, Tom and Samantha lived, with their 3 children, in a small home in a gated community in a hip area of mid-town in Phoenix. Samantha had completed her Americorp assignment and was teaching at a brand new charter school for children with advanced math and science skills and she loved her work. 

The family spent most of their time in the great room which held both the kitchen and the family room in one open space. Right over the fireplace was a map with more than 20 pearl topped pins of different colors sticking into it, marking all of the locations they had visited together over the last decade and a half. While the trips were fewer and farther between,  once the children were born, they committed to taking two trips a year together as a family. Samantha lived for those days on vacation where she could spend quality time with Tom and the children together.

Samantha was in charge of most parenting responsibilities. By the end of the day, after teaching, caring for the children and grading papers, she felt exhausted but happy. She was lonely, even though between work and parenting she rarely spent a minute alone. She yearned for Tom to limit working or partying or both.

Tom traveled to Europe twice a year for two weeks with the restaurant owners. While there, Tom was so busy that she and the children rarely got to speak with him. These were the most difficult weeks for Samantha.

Still, Samantha felt blessed and practiced naming 3 things she was grateful for every night before bed. She reminded herself  of how fortunate she was to have a teaching position she loved, her family, and a home that truly felt like home.  She was sure that if they could make it through the years while the kids were young, she and Tom would become closer and get back to doing things together. Samantha described herself as "crazy busy, exhausted, but happy."

That was until Samantha learned that Tom was having an affair with one of the servers at the bistro. The two had been caught making out before the dinner shift by one of the lunch managers who was returning a bucket of lemons to the  walk in refrigerator when she stumbled upon Tom and Taylor, completely engrossed in their activities.  The event became tantalizing gossip for the rest of the restaurant staff and a few of the regular customers.

The lunch manager and Samantha knew each other from pick-up time at the studio where both of their five year old daughters took modern dance. While the two were watching the last few minutes of the girls' practice, the manager mentioned to Samantha the "rumor" going around, hoping Samantha didn't blame her for spreading the story of coming upon Tom and Taylor in the cooler. Samantha barely made it home before bursting into tears.

Samantha became obsessed with finding out what was really going on at the restaurant but chose not to ask Tom directly. Instead,  when Samantha's parents were in town visiting, she left the children with them and spied on Tom at the after hours bar. She was too afraid to go into the bar. Instead she sat in her car at the farthest corner of the parking lot and waited for Tom to appear. Sure enough, Tom stumbled into the lot with his arm around a woman and got into her car. That was after pressing her forcefully against the driver's side door and kissing her passionately.

Samantha cried and yelled at Tom for days, but she still loved her life and didn't want to give it up just because Tom wasn't faithful. Samantha gave Tom an ultimatum and hoped that he would adhere to it and that they would move on as if nothing ever happened between him and this other woman. Samantha was sure the sex meant nothing to Tom.

Tom had different plans.  Within the week, he got his own apartment. He filed for divorce within 1 month of the incident at the after hours bar parking lot.

Samantha was in shock for weeks and then became angry and felt devastated.

When she came to see me for divorce coaching three weeks after Tom had filed for divorce, Samantha was alternating between anger and shock. She was also experiencing fear. She was overwhelmed and paralyzed by the idea of the many ways her life was imploding around her. 

Samantha and I began by putting everything out on the table, meaning everything that was currently happening and shifting around her. I call it a Get A Handle On It Session and in that session we utilize one of the tools I use with my clients to inventory the issues from all of the different pillars of our life. 

The 12 Categories of Issues Arising During Divorce

First, on an enormous mural paper we jot down every issue being faced. We need to capture the issues on paper before we  can create a strategy for moving forward.We let every idea pour down from our mind down past our hearts and down our arms and onto the paper.  The mural paper had barely a white spot after all of the scribbling in different color markers of every issue requiring attention.

Once all issues have been captured, we must come to understand and organize the matters.  What are all the subjects addressed? Does the issue have to do with my physical health, my spiritual life, my home, my feeling of independence, my sense of family, my financial wellness?  Where do these issues fit into my life?  The classification of issues typically centers on the areas listed in the chart below. For most, divorce will create challenges within one of these 12 categories.

Samantha took time to think about herself professionally because this was an area she felt most competent in.  I asked her to ask herself how satisfied she was working in her teaching position right now. Samantha rated her teaching life at a 6. She loved the school and the other teachers and enjoyed teaching but felt fear that the money wasn't enough for her to support her kids and herself on.

Next I asked her to describe what that position would have to look like in order for her to feel like it was a 10. Samantha described a position similar to what she was currently in but the few differences where significant. One such difference was that in the visualization of her rating her work life at 10 she made more money, was on track to chair a department, and had before and after school care included at no charge for her children for the mornings and afternoons she had to arrive earlier or stay later than the children. 

In the professional realm, Samantha did not need to start from scratch. She had maintained her position teaching throughout her marriage.  When we strategized steps for getting her to 10 in her career, we came upon the option of securing funding for her Master's degree and maybe even a PhD in the divorce negotiations.  With more schooling she felt she would have an opportunity to teach at a private school or maybe even at the University. Whether or not she changed jobs, the additional schooling would qualify her to seek a leadership position among the other teachers and staff.  She might be able to advocate for better before and after child care benefits.

This is an example of how divorce can involve transformation. Samantha had not thought about improving her professional circumstances when all was going well between her and Tom. The challenges of divorce brought her to consider what life would be like if she could not rely upon Tom.  Her ambition to do more with her schooling and work experience struck the fire of ambition in her, a flame that had not been lit in a long time. 

Look at each of the 12 pillars of your life.

Where do you rate your experience of each of these right now? What would it look like for you to rate that particular segment (independence, your home, your physical health, your career)  as a 10?

There we have our path to building our plan for going forward. The next step is to break that path down into smaller goals. If you are at a 6 in a particular area, what would make that area a 7, then an 8?

When we are in the beginning stages of divorce, it can feel like we have to start from zero, but we don't. We start from that point of where we are now, we look at the possibilities and what would life be like if we could rate it a 10 in that area? That's the area we're working in and we're doing it incrementally one step at a time.

Which area to start with?

You may have to work on more than one area at a time but you do not have to work on all of the pillars at once. 

Prioritize amongst the different pillars of your life.

1. Realize you are not building a new life from scratch.

2.  Assess where you are now in each pillar.

3. Prioritize amongst the pillars.

4. Allow a changing pace, time for accomplishing and time for dreaming.

5. Flow between where you're at and you will be when you are living your dream life.

6. Let go along the way of anything that does not serve you.