Who Is My Looking Glass Self?

Looking-Glass Self Theory

The looking glass self theory suggests that we evaluate ourselves based on how we believe others see us and feel and act accordingly.  

The theory suggests we develop our self-concept in social settings by observing the way others perceive us. Social interaction acts like a type of mirror .

The theory details evaluating ourselves based upon how others see us in 3 steps:

1. When we are in a social situation, we imagine how we appear to others.
2. We imagine the way others in the social situation see us and how they are judging us.
3. We develop feelings and responses to the perceived judgments.

 We observe the other's posture, their words, whether or not they make eye contact,their level of attention toward us, and their body language in order to determine who we are in another person's eyes.

It is in our human nature to strive for alignment between our internal and external worlds. This is where the theory becomes controversial or the exercise of using social interaction as a looking glass becomes problematic.

Our individual beliefs about how others see us tends to be inaccurate. The mirror doesn't provide a reflection congruent with reality.

Basing our self-concept primarily on external factors can create feelings that lead to depression, anxiety, stress, or aggression based on this idea that we believe we know what others think of us and we use that knowledge to determine how we feel about ourselves.

Looking Glass Self Theory in Real Life

Maryann is attending her first Board Meeting since being promoted to head of HR for her company. She is presenting a report and wants to be seen as professional and competent but is feeling somewhat insecure. In the meeting, Maryann noticed the firmness of the handshakes from the board members, she noticed who looked at her when she was introduced and who continued to read through their notes, and she noticed the tone of voice others used in asking for clarification of details from her report.

Maryann left the meeting thinking the Board Members saw her as unprofessional. Her view was influenced by her pessimism, her over-analyzing body language, and by her assuming that the other people held a demeanor that reflected her adequacy, rather than something in their own minds and thoughts, such as their own readiness to share their reports or ability to analyze her data. Taking her reflections to heart, Maryann questioned her competence and ruminated over every word she said during the meeting.

Of course we receive clues from the people around us as to how they perceive us. We must take our reflections into consideration but we can not base our sense of self solely on how we perceive others see us and feel confident and content.