Massively Improve Your Relationship With One Easy to Learn Technique

How many times have you heard the warning not to assume our partner can read our minds?  This tip is often proffered just after we have shared that we want something from the relationship that we are not getting. Asking for what we need increases the likelihood of having our needs met in the relationship.

Our needs being met is not the only goal of relationship. With our needs met we may still be lonely. This is especially true if we don't feel a connection with our partner that is strong enough to support healthy conflict.

If we seek deeper intimacy and connection in the relationship, we must be willing to face conflict with each other and in the relationship.

I want to share one extremely potent communication technique that couples can use to deepen their connection with each other and their ability to work through conflict.

Narrating Inner Experience

Narrating Inner Experience is a great technique for deepening understanding and intimacy in your relationship.

What is narrating my inner experience?

When you narrate your inner experience, you literally share with your partner what is happening for you within your inner world at that moment.

How do I narrate my inner experience?

1. Pause. Go inside yourself. Determine what you are feeling.

ex. I am clenching my teeth and muscles and feeling agitated. I'm ready to walk out and slam the door.

1. Pause.

      Give myself some time and space to connect with the true origin of my anger. As I move closer to this internal hot spot that I worry might erupt I make the courageous choice to remain in the moment and share with you what I am experiencing. Name for yourself what you are experiencing. Just this small first step can create ease.

2. Narrate what you are experiencing within yourself to your partner.

     " I want to shut down I or else I feel like I am definitely fgoing to pick a fight with you.  Part of me wants to fight you and prove my point. To prove I am right I feel like I need to show you are wrong, that is what's happening in my inner world right now."

As you become the observer, looking within and sharing what only you can see, your agitation and activation will calm a bit and you will gain even more space from acting impulsively or defensively.

3. Become curious about your partner's inner experience and ask them to narrate back to you what is happening in their inner world.

Be curious. What did that feel like for them growing up? What do they associate that with.

4. Connect to the hurt.

When we're activated, there is something happening underneath that activation. The activation is covering a pain and hurt. We may feel misunderstood, betrayed, invisible or any number of things.

If we can connect with the hurt underneath our defensiveness or aggressiveness, we can share what it is that's going on for us with our partner.

Want to go deeper and learn more?

Here are 2 further steps you can try in the beginning or later or when it feels right.

5. Explore what is familiar about what you or your partner are experiencing? Naming the experience and then asking within or with each other, "What do I know about this? When have I felt this way before? What about this moment feels familiar?"

Often, the more reactive we are, the more there may be to the underlying history if this feeling. Being able to share what is familiar is helpful.

6. Ask for what you need in order to move back into balance or into a space that feels safe in that moment. You might need a hug or some space, for example. Maybe you need to go for a run or to breathe together.

When things are unresolved, it will not yet feel entirely peaceful, but you will have moved moving yourself into a space that feels peaceful enough to sustain us until we can address the feelings further.

If we commit to familiarizing ourselves with the parts of us that get activated and we give ourselves practice in connecting with our inner most self and with our partner we can  strengthen and deepen intimacy through the conflict.

Everybody brings something different and different re-activities and stories to the table.

This is a process.

Engaging in the process is in and of itself valuable to your connection, even if you are still in disagreement.

Looking for help breaking out of destructive communication patterns? Schedule your Therapeutic Relationship Coaching Intro Session to build a stronger connection, heal from trauma, understand yourself and your partner better, and recognize the strengths in the relationship that you can build on to make powerful change.