3 Steps to Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy

Dennis had just graduated with a degree in marketing and was looking for a job. One day he received an alert on his LinkedIn page that an up and coming toy company was looking to hire a Director of Social Media. Dennis became excited and immediately started researching the company online.  He thought the position would be perfect for him. Dennis loved and was fascinated by the toy industry. As a child, he made his own toys. Even now, Dennis can't resist walking through every toy store he passes. Dennis pulled up his resume. As he began his updates, his excitement dwindled and fizzled out. Dennis recognized the critical voice in his head telling him that he didn't have the right experience and wasn't qualified for the position. He imagined the hiring team looking at his resume and thinking it was a joke. Dennis convinced himself that he would never be hired and that applying would be a waste of time and another disappointment to recover from. . Dennis did not get the position as social media director for the toy company. Of course not, he never even applied. 

Being Your Own Worst Enemy

It wasn't the HR department at the toy company that created failure for Dennis, it was Dennis himself. Of course, we all make mistakes. We also fail to get something we want because of factors outside of our control. But, Dennis had not made a mistake that led to him not getting the job. Dennis self-sabotaged.

Telling the Difference Between Self-Sabotage and Making a Mistake

We all experience disappointment and make mistakes. Making a mistake is not engaging in self-sabotage. When we make a mistake, we have done our best but things don't work out.  For example, Dennis could have tried his best but sent a resume that he would later realize was not up to professional standards. There may be other factors that contribute to things not working out such as bad luck, the actions of another person, or a sudden change in resources. Not anticipating these interceding events could be a mistake or they could be factors that were impossible to predict.

The critical element in distinguishing self-sabotage versus mistake is that in mistake the end one seeks is not achieved despite the fact that you gave it your best. 

When we self-sabotage our disappointments directly result from our own actions or inaction, not because we made a mistake, but because we want to fail, consciously or subconsciously. Self-sabotage arises from core beliefs about our own worth.

Internal beliefs which promote self sabotage include:

• I do not deserve happiness or success.
• I am not meant to thrive.
• I don't have the power to stop a habit. 
• I am weak.
• It would be better for me to mess this up than to succeed.
• Things are already bad, it doesn't matter if they get worse. 
• I am weak if I accept help from others.
• If I am successful people won't like me.
• I am not fun to be around.
• I don't have power or control.
• People always take advantage of me.
• Asking for help means I am incompetent.
• I must do my best or I won't do it at all.

Self-sabotage comes in many different forms.

Perfectionism

Unrealistic and impossible expectations can be a potent form of self-sabotage. A perfectionist may avoid reaching out for necessary help because they fear to do so will make them appear incompetent. They may not be willing to approach something as a beginner and would rather avoid the experience which they perceive as a chance for humiliation rather than a learning opportunity. This also shows up when a person over commits. They are able to do something for a short period of time but expect that means they should be able to sustain the all consuming behavior over a long period of time, even though to do so is highly unlikely.

Fear of fear is an all or none approach to experiencing anxiety which is tied to perfectionism. A person believes that if they feel even the slightest bit of anxiety it will be obvious to the people around them and that they will be judged for having anxiety.  The fear of anxiety may also present them with the possibility that the anxiety will escalate and that they won't have the ability or control to handle it.  The person may also believe that their anxiety is a signal of their inability to tolerate failing.

False Modesty is a form of self-sabotage in which the person downplays their abilties or accomplishments in order to be liked or to appear non-threatening. The perfectionism relates to feeling everyone must like them or they are a failure or fraud.

Destroying or Avoiding Relationships

Protecting Ourselves From Pain Self sabotage can occur through the destruction of relationships. We may end a good relationship because we believe we are unworthy of love and therefore we must throw a wrench into our relationships because we believe doing so will protect us from future heartbreak. We may avoid friendships because we are afraid people will find us boring or that they will take advantage of us if we let our guard down.

Defensiveness in relationships can be self sabotaging  A fear of criticism or the belief that criticism means we are not liked or loved may cause us to become defensive. We may stave off conflict in order to avoid the potential for rejection and in doing so suffocate the relationship with false positivity or our own lack of authenticity. Defensiveness may be at the root of second guessing the motives of anybody who provides less than favorable feed-back.

Fear of Success A fear of the repercussions of our success can keep us from striving to meet goals or to achieve.  False modesty in order to appear non-threatening to others may keep us from sharing our abilities and strengths. We may undermine our intelligence, skills, or capabilities as a method for avoiding potential rejection.

Isolating One's Self by shutting down or withdrawing in shyness when we feel anxious is a form of self-sabotage.  If you routinely fail to show others what you can do, even when you have a great deal to lose by not doing so, you are minimizing your possibilities.

Procrastination

Self Handicapping is a form of self sabotage.  Self-Handicapping involves placing obstacles in our own path in an effort to make our accomplishments seem greater or as a way to avoid taking responsibility for later anticipated failures. 

Avoid Action Rather than acting and risking failure, we may self-sabotage by not putting in any effort because we would rather be viewed as not putting in the effort than to appear that we are lacking in ability.

Optional Paralysis

We self-sabotage with optional paralysis by creating a multitude of choices for ourselves so that we can blame the outcome or inaction on an inability to choose from the many options.

 Neediness

Procrastination can be used to enhance self-esteem by basing our inability to act in a timely fashion on our neediness and the failure of others to help.

Fear of Change

The only constant is change, yet procrastination may feel like a way to deny change or satiate our fear of change. 

Quitting or Giving up.

Quit to avoid discomfort. When we feel uncertain about an outcome we may not show up or quit in order to avoid the discomfort of our uncertainty. We may prefer a certain failure than a period of unknowing with the potential of success or failure.  Another way this self-sabotage shows up is when a person has the habit of thinking too small. They undermine their intelligence and skills and fail to show up in order to avoid rejection.

You can break the power of self-sabotaging habits and beliefs.

Learning to acknowledge the role you play in your disappointments is important, because when you do so without anger or shame, you protect your well-being. When limiting beliefs are paired with habits that reinforce those limiting beliefs, self sabotage becomes systematic. However, mindfulness and courage can break the power of self-sabotaging habits and beliefs.

The figure below provides a simple three step path to eliminating the power of intrusive thoughts.

Once you challenge self-sabotaging behavior, you will be in the position to begin, again, anew.  Try to be flexible so that you can adapt to changes as they arise.

When starting again feels impossible, challenge procrastination.

Procrastination can be countered with:

• Setting measurable time specific goals;
• Identifying patterns of behavior and obstacles that get in the way of our achieving the outcome.
• Gaining clarity on the costs of patterns of behavior and obstacles.
• Take a first step and try out the process.
• Identify and challenge beliefs that arise as you take action.

 Forgive yourself for past self-sabotage. Self-acceptance is key. Notice and appreciate  small wins to escape cycles of discouragement and to maintain faith in your ability to form and follow new supportive habits.