"I'm Afraid My Despair Will Consume Me!"

During challenging times we may want to be too busy to think about things. After a substantial loss, taking time to reflect can spark pain and feelings of emptiness.

Dissociation involves a continuum of experiences, ranging from a mild emotional detachment from immediate surroundings, to a more severe disconnection from physical and emotional experiences.

All levels of dissociation involves a detachment from reality. That is different from the   loss of reality as occurs in psychosis.

Dissociating is to separate our mind and thoughts from what's happening in our reality.  Our heart's voice may be muffled during difficult times in a relationship. We may fear we do not have the strength to hold the pain ourselves.

Victoria was devastated when her husband of 20 years chose to leave the marriage and began living with another woman. Victoria felt she could not cope with thoughts of the reality of her life in her mind.  With evidence of her loss everywhere and three children to continue to parent, she felt she could not let herself think about life in the present or near future.

Victoria literally listened to audio books nearly around the clock. She fell asleep listening to audio books and pressed play as soon as she woke up.  In the shower, she put her phone in a plastic bag so that she could listen to her audio books while in the shower.

Unlike when we go under anesthesia for a medical procedure, dissociating does not eliminate our experience of the situation.  Sadly, Victoria didn't manage to miss any of the pain. She did manage to put off feeling it. This can be helpful temporarily when the time is not right, due to a difficult external circumstance. But long term meant her mourning would arrive and stay far after the first year that her spouse left.  

By the time I came to work with Victoria, her experience of her situation seemed to be similar to what it might have been at Day 1. She hadn't had time to reflect and process her experience.

It is important to take the time to grieve and to face the thoughts and memories that evoke pain. Not all at once. But If you take that time even in small chunks of time, your processing will begin.

For example, you consider that on Wednesdays you work all day. It's the longest shift you work all week. When waking up on Wednesday with both the pain and the knowledge of an entire day of work ahead, see if it can be helpful to consciously choose that when you do finally come home, you will run a hot bath and have a good cry. "I'm home in my own space and I am going to cry my eyes out; I'm going to scream and punch my pillow; I'm going to give myself time to release and then reflect."  During this time notice what you feel and where. Try to hold it and release it . Listening to your inner dialogue the way you would listen to a trusted friend.

Be willing to hear the voice that's yours. If the messages are loving, accept them. If they are critical of you,  turn them around. "This is never going to end."  Becomes: "This is a tough process right now. It's a tough road, but every day I get a little closer to the end".

Ask yourself, "What are the messages I'm hearing inside?" Hear and change those messages from messages that keep us stuck and stressed to messages that actually empower us. Messages that go with the life we want. That go with that transformative experience.