Obsessed Out Loud: The Rituals of OCD May Be Testing the Friendship

Every time Bob's ex posted something on Instagram he immediately reported the posting to his buddy Jim. What did the post mean? Did Jim think Bob's ex wanted to get back together? Did she miss him or was she moving on? How did the post relate to Bob and his ex's last conversation which led to their break-up? At first, Jim felt Bob was feeling the usual pangs after a break-up but when Bob's behavior continued for more than a year, he began to wonder if his friend was obsessed with his former girl-friend. The couple had been broken up longer than they had ever been together and Bob seemed to be right where he was after the break-up the year before. 

Bob may not have an actual disorder but he may be stuck in his obsessive compulsive cycle of behaviors. Obsessive compulsive disorder involves a low tolerance for uncertainty. For some people the discomfort with uncertainty leads to ruminating, circular thinking and the feeling of an inability to release certain thoughts (obsessions), and efforts to reduce the ambiguity through checking or seeking reassurance (compulsions).

Our emotions are fluid and change in response to our context as well as our inner and outer worlds. As ever changing elements, emotions feel ambiguous.   One day we may feel energized and excited about our work and the next day dread going. We return from a trip to the mountains and are convinced city life, which we previously enjoyed, feels loud and too fast-paced. We feel our partner is incredibly sweet and attentive and then football season arrives and we feel they could not care whether we live or die. If you have OCD, these fluctuations of emotions create intense uncertainty and a craving for a kind of emotional consistency that is unattainable.  

When someone has OCD their conversations with friends, loved ones, or even a therapist can become sessions for "obsessing out loud." A friend with OCD may ask you to hear a story again or repeatedly answer certain questions. They may pose countless "what if" scenarios for which they seek your advice. This repetition can be a ritual to temporarily relieve anxiety. As the questions and answers are repeated regularly, a short term feeling of consistency arises.

We are all challenged to some extent by ambiguity. But if you have a friend constantly seeking answers or reassurance about a particular subject in their life, your friendship may be negatively impacted.

If you are concerned and possibly even exhausted by a friend who seems to be obsessing about certain issues and engaging in actions to try to release uncertainty, start by sharing your care and support and feed back on their need for repeated assurance.  Let them know that becoming more comfortable with uncertainty is something they may wish to work on with a mental health professional and that you can not provide the answers for everything, as some things don’t have answers.  
 
Your friend may find your hesitation to go over the same stories repeatedly frustrating at first, but with professional help or practice they may become more comfortable with their changes in feeling and unanswered questions. This will undoubtedly support the friendship. 

Dr. Jodi Peary provides therapeutic coaching in person in Phoenix and Scottsdale Arizona and via Video Conferencing.