Releasing the Grip of Family Trauma

QUESTION:

Sally's Questions: Our family has a lot of trauma with divorce, broken promises and relationship issues. There are also abandonment issues. This involves my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and other family members. Everyone has contributed to the trauma in some way.

 I want to move past the trauma and let go of this pain.

 I’m tired of letting the past weigh me down all the time. I’m tired of being controlled by what they did. I also feel unsafe. I worry all the time. I am scared to try new things or start relationships.

 How do I learn to let go of the family trauma?

Everyone keeps telling me I can’t heal without forgiveness. They’re convinced I have to forgive my family for the trauma. I feel like I have done this, but I won’t let certain family members back into my life.

Despite forgiveness, I still don’t trust them.

What can I do to balance forgiveness with trust?

ANSWER:

Sally, awareness is the first step to healing after trauma.

It sounds like you're tired of letting the trauma affect you. Perhaps you recognize the link that trauma can have to things you are experiencing, like anxiety or insomnia or depression.

 First, honor yourself for recognizing the hold that the past trauma is having on your life and your willingness to work on it. That takes enormous courage.

 It sounds like you’re ready to work on the trauma, so it’s less of a burden on your mind and spirit.

FIRST, KNOW YOU HAVE OPTIONS!

You can work on this process on your own.

You can also reach out to get support from friends or trusted family members who aren’t the cause of the trauma.

Another option is to find a therapist and get group or individual therapy.

 If you want to engage in self-help and try to deal with things on your own first, here are some self help techniques.

 It’s normal to have physical symptoms after trauma. If you haven’t healed, then the symptoms can continue to appear for years.

 The symptoms can include anxiety, depression, insomnia, flashbacks, eating disorders, irritability, fear, impatience and others.

 Here are some steps to take now that you have gained an awareness of the trauma and it's influence.

 It’s important to have a support network of friends, other family, or therapists to guide you.

1st

Feel empowered and validated.

Feel yourself take control over your current situation and realize that you’re the only one who can heal you from the trauma. Others may help you along the way, but the changes will be internal.

 Validation can come from others listening to you and acknowledging the trauma.

 In many cases, family members want to ignore the past and refuse to speak about traumatic issues like divorce or abandonment. They would rather focus on different topics. This means you may need to get validation from friends or others.

2nd

Connect with others and fight loneliness.

Trauma isolates you. It’s beneficial to resist this feeling and reach out for help.

Connect with new and old friends.

Note: You may need to go beyond your usual network to grow.

 3rd

Work on stopping feelings of continuing to be a victim.

You’ve been hurt and that was not something you deserved. You can begin the process of healing and letting go of identifying with the role of victim. Instead, take control and hold yourself responsible for your actions and thoughts.

4th

Continue talking and resist the temptation to hide your past.

 One of the best ways to heal is to acknowledge what has happened, make meaning out of the experience, and learn from it. By talking about your past and discussing the trauma, you’ll learn to share and trust people again.

However, there’s a fine balance required for this step.

You don’t want to spend all of your time focusing on the past.

You can talk about it, but it shouldn’t be the only thing you discuss in your new and old relationships.
 

Things to Do Each Day

Besides talking about the past with people you can rely on to be supportive, there are several things you can do throughout the day and every day to help you feel better, such as:

1.  Find a hobby or activity that lets you focus on other things. It should be an activity that also allows for some fun. For example, painting or cooking are great options.

 2. Consider writing in a journal or use another form of creative expression. Many survivors of trauma find that keeping a journal helps them gather their thoughts and work through issues.

3. Stay in the moment and try to enjoy the present. It’s easy to let your mind drift and relive the past trauma. Instead, practice mindfulness and living in the current moment. You don’t want to miss out on the present by always thinking about the past.

 4. Find relaxing activities such as yoga, meditation, bubble baths or exercise. You want to heal both your body and your mind, so relaxing activities are essential. Experiment with different techniques until you find your favorite.

Forgiveness isn’t an easy task, but it sounds as if you’re on the right path. Trust is tied to forgiveness, but it’s also a separate matter.

 It’s hard to forgive family trauma because of several reasons. One of the main issues is that forgiveness may feel as if you’re letting them get away with things.

Another big issue is that you may feel that forgiveness opens you up to new trauma from the same people.

There’s a common fear that by forgiving the past you’ll allow the same people to hurt you again. However, this is only a fear and doesn’t have to be your reality. You’re in control now and can set boundaries to prevent more traumas from happening.

It’s normal to acknowledge that there are parts of your mind and spirit that don’t want to forgive. It’s also normal to accept that forgiveness comes with a price. Nevertheless, you can forgive and move forward.

Trust is a huge issue for those who have experienced trauma.

Again, many of the concerns are rooted in fear. You may be afraid to trust anyone again because they can hurt you. You’re scared that they’ll be like your family. You’re afraid to open up and start new relationships.

 Trust takes time, so it’s important to give yourself space.

 Gradually allow new people into your life and build that trust over time. Start by taking small steps toward a better future.