4 Key Principals to Communicate and Negotiate with a Nightmare of a CoParent

Communication and negotiation with a nightmare of a coparent seems impossible. It's not! The science behind conflict resolution techniques will keep you calm, cool, courageous, and confident as you steer the healthy course for yourself and your children.

Lilly and Mark have an agreement where they share custody and alternate week-ends of their daughter Sally.  Mark is scheduled to have parenting time with Sally on an upcoming week-end beginning Friday. On Thursday evening, Mark calls Lilly to say that he has just been invited snowboarding and tells Lilly they will have to switch week-ends.  He will take Sally the next week-end and Lilly will keep Sally this weekend. Mark needs to know now that Lilly will alternate week-ends.

 Lilly has plans for this week-end and does not want to switch last minute.

 Mark remembers that in the mediator's office 6 months earlier, Lilly had said she would agree to alternate week-ends if conflicts came up. However, that conversation had to do with work conflicts and required one week notice.

 When Mark realizes that Lilly is not willing to switch he exclaims that, as usual, she doesn’t understand. When Lilly tries to tell him she does he accuses her of acting like the marriage counselor they went to who, by the way, only ever made things worse.

Lilly is very angry yet wants to handle the incident with Mark in a way that will not hurt Sally or leave her, Lilly, feeling like Mark's victim.

 Principal 1 High Pressure Decision Making

It’s rarely in your best interest to act quickly, and it’s usually to your advantage to wait. When Mark says to Lilly that he needs to know that she will switch week-ends right now, Lilly might say:

“I’m glad I got to hear your side of it.  l  will think through it and make my decision.”

Or

“I know you want an answer right now, but it would be unfair to all of us if I didn’t think this through. I’ll get back to you by …….

Principal 2 RECOGNIZE BULLYING TECHNIQUES

*They are Bullying You to Take On Their Problem

 Mark makes his problem of wanting to go snowboarding  Lilly’s problem. A technique people use to avoid solving their own problems.

*Referencing a Prior Agreement that Doesn’t Apply

Mark refers to Lilly’s agreement to be flexible about the schedule with regard to work and with one week’s notice to get her to agree so that she does not go back on her word.

*Leveraging by Leading with an Assumption

Mark Assumes Lilly doesn’t have plans for this week-end or plans with Sally for the next week-end.

   Sarcasm: Self Explanatory

 *Refusal to Negotiate/Imagines a negotiation

I don’t want Sally with a babysitter…Mark insists he won’t use a sitter however, Lilly never mentioned a sitter. Mark is conjuring reasons as an excuse not to negotiate.

*Always, Never, & Nothing

Lilly, “What else can happen.” Mark, “Nothing!”

*The Ex Who is Aggressive by Avoiding:

This coparent cuts off communication with you by engaging in avoidance.

 Hangs up on you in the middle of the conversation.

Slams telephones,

Doesn't answer texts or email messages,

Acts with uncontrolled rage.

Principal 3 REMAIN NON-DEFENSIVE, ENGAGED and PRODUCTIVE

Brief

Informative: Facts Only

Friendly

Firm

                  Don’t Retaliate

Hold back your response

Redirect your reaction.

Talk to a friend instead or take the time to brainstorm the effective way you will deal with the avoider later.

 Use non-defensive statements to make it clear that you comprehend the issue.

Examples:

That’s an interesting way to see it. So what you’re saying is....

That’s difficult.

I see.

I hear you.

Gee, that does sound like a problem.

What a dilemma you must be in! I know how hard it can be to turn down a trip ….

When they accuse you of not listening to them or getting them:

 “What would help you know that I understand what you’re saying?”

When they accuse you of being disingenuous or a know it all.: i.e. “Quit pretending you’re a shrink,”

 Use non-verbal but vocal listening cues.

Simple, firm, non-defensive responses.

“Uh-huh,”

“mmmm,” and other non-verbal but vocal listening cues.

Principal 4: HAND THEIR PROBLEM BACK TO THEM

CAUTION:

Before you hand the problem back to your ex, make sure you truly believe in your own right to a boundary.

*Take personal responsibility to make your communications civil and businesslike.

 *Accept that the best interest of your children is the priority and is by far more important than your interactions with your ex.

 *Act in furtherance of your child’s best interest to allow the foundation of trust to build and make it an intentional decision to achieve the  goal of your child’s well-being.

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In the meantime, have questions or would like me to write on a particular topic that's been on your mind?  Drop me an email! [email protected].

 Jodi