Five simple mindfulness tips to employ today to shift from high-conflict to Enlightened CoParenting

Five simple mindfulness practices that you can employ today to shift from high-conflict to Enlightened CoParenting:

1. Remain attuned to subtle changes in your children’s behavior.

Responding to a highly emotional child with patience is much easier to do when a child is not completely overwhelmed by what is bothering them.

By noticing subtle changes in your child’s behavior you gain the opportunity to address the challenges your child is experiencing before those challenges become overwhelming to them. 

When problems feel approachable to children and approachable to us we are better situated to solve them with less anxiety along the way.

2.Take the time and make space for learning how your child is perceiving the many changes that separation and divorce brings. 

Doing so builds our empathy muscle.

Even if you are facing the lengthy to-do list your lawyer gave you, trying to translate  financial information, or engaging confronting other legal demands, make sure to pause and allow yourself to tune into your child’s well-being.

One of my clients likes to imagine that she is turning off the noisy news and turning on peaceful instrumental music.  Both she and her son are helped by the mindful attention to her son's thoughts.

3. Remind ourselves that a family has more to do with love and affection than it does with tradition or appearances.

Separation and divorce involves mourning which can occupy our waking moments. Often, one of the greatest losses we experience when we separate from a spouse is the loss of the idea that the future would find our family much like the family we dreamed we would have back when we first got married or when we decided to have children.  While the loss is one of a treasured possibility, it is no less real.  The plans you had for your future family must be mourned. 

By seeing that the most important elements of family still exist for you and your children, it will become easier to manage the feelings of disappointment and loss.

The critical essence of family continues for you and your children during and after divorce because you are there for each other. Awareness of this central fact, fosters actions that show our children how important and vital they are to the family, regardless of divorce.

With this vision you will support your children’s love and need for family even as your family is evolving into a form other than what you once expected it would be.

4. Don't take your child's outbursts personally. 

Nothing can prepare us as parents for when our child throws a temper tantrum, becomes angry, and blames us for ruining their life by separating from the other parent. 

As jolting as our child's words and anger may be, we can help our children most by not taking their words and emotions personally.

In your heart, know that your child’s expressions of frustration are not due to a lack of love for you as a parent.

In many instances, children blame one parent or the other for the divorce as a way of coping and as a defense against the feeling of being overwhelmed by the many changes they are experiencing, rather than to hold the other parent personally responsible for all of their feelings. It is not easy to refrain from taking a child's hurtful words personally but if you understand the cause of the child’s behavior you are likely to have the strength to do so.

Try to acknowledge your child's right to feel angry, afraid, or frustrated.

You will then have the necessary co-parenting strength to tell them how much you love them and how much you regret their hurt and pain.

5. Create a shared and child-focused narrative of the divorce.

It is not unusual to feel significant anger against an ex and they toward us. Despite the feelings of anger toward each other, if both parents can find the strength to let the children know that deciding to divorce was a difficult decision for both parents, yet both believe it is one that is the best alternative for your family’s future happiness and well-being children will experience less confusion and sense of responsibility for the divorce.

In child-centered divorce, a characteristic of enlightened coparenting, you allow your children the space and time to express their frustrations and you find that with patience with yourself and your child, you accept and acknowledge whatever they share with you as an okay emotion for them to feel.

When you are in child-centered mode, you can more quickly access the knowledge that children make negative comments as expressions of distress rather than criticism. 

When your child makes negative comments about home, school, what is for dinner, the activities you planned for vacation, and just about everything else, can you reinforce that they are safe and loved?

With this knowledge you will gain clarity that children’s negativity is a call to you for attention, recognition, and the emotional healing that you can provide. You will then reinforce to them that they are safe, loved, and not to blame for the divorce.

You will be able to say honestly that although change can be challenging, you know everything will work out okay.

You may even continue as many family routine activities as possible on a day-to-day basis in order to help them adjust to those things that have to change. You find the strength for these routines despite the pain they may cause.

With your mind-set in their child-centered environment, you experience less guilt which nourishes you further to expand your child-centered activities.

Knowing your children feel better, You feel better!

If this parenting philosophy rings true for you, I want to share my free resource "60 Tiny Tips for Enlightened CoParenting."