6 Required Conversations with Family & Friends Meddling in Your Divorce

There are 6 things you must lay down the law on with family & friends offering to star in the Drama of Your Divorce

Here, I will respectfully call family and friends by the loving acronym "F&F."

Divorce is a difficult process for everyone involved, including F&F.

However, you can not imagine how swiftly they can:

Make divorce and divorce recovery more complicated,

Make  the process even more stressful and difficult than it already is (It is possible!) and

Increase the level of conflict.

If you’re dealing with divorce meddling F&F, insist that they refrain from these activities in order to avoid the disaster.

1. Choosing

A common method of F&F meddling in a divorce is to choose sides. School them on the inevitable consequences.

F&F who choose sides in a divorce actually:

Make the process more difficult;

Prevent or delay conflict resolution, and

Keep the couple from reaching a settlement.

Insist that you will not condone the outward choosing of sides.  This isn't a soccer match. You are not Liverpool vs. Manchester United. This is your life and your children's life!

2. Giving advice.

F&F often believe they are being helpful by sharing their golden nuggets of advice. Unless they are divorce experts (even if they are lawyers or judges,they are still in their F&F role when providing advice to you) their advice may be incorrect. 

The wrong advice can:

Create serious legal issues;

Lead to heartbreaking emotional consequences; and

Increase the financial costs of divorce.

Instead, rely on the advice of unrelated divorce experts.

3. Shaming your ex.

Divorce is messy and complicated. This particular instructive can be hard to envision from the perspective of one who has been ambushed by divorce, but I offer you my experience. Borrow this experience and you will borrow my belief: It’s easier to handle the genuine difficulties of the divorce if you don’t allow public shaming. Shaming your ex will create more anger, resentment, and revenge, which will ultimately increase your heart ache and ambush you further with attorney fees.

Don't let F&F gossip about your ex or your divorce.

Encourage them instead to offer their support without hurting the other side. This is what will ultimately lead to a healthy and faster resolution.

4. Criticizing the Agreements You Make
   

Your F&F may feel their removing your blinders and helping you by  criticizing the divorce agreement. Their words may cause you to feel you’ve been played the fool. NO THANKS!

Are your F&F:

Judging your parenting battle;

Criticizing the amount of assets you received;

Trying to convince you that you should never have agreed to accept those debts?

F&F do not know the ins and outs of your case. Let them know if they don't interfere in the way you settle the divorce, they will be joining you in your new life even sooner!

Of course our F&F have the best of intentions. Still, their criticism can be hurtful and painful. Ask for support and understanding instead.

5. Bothering your children.
   

 I don't have to tell you that you don't want F&F confusing your children or making your children feel badly about their experience or the divorce process. They must understand that you and your ex will be the only ones to discuss the divorce with the kids.

Children are vulnerable and often have difficulties handling a divorce.  They can make easy targets for meddling F&F who want information from them. They can also plant ideas in the children’s heads  and cause them to worry about the process.

Establish non-negotiable and clear guidelines with your F&F about the children during the divorce. Make sure they understand that you’re in charge and will discuss the necessary topics at your own pace. Your children shouldn’t be placed in the center of the divorce or used to gather information.

I hope by now it goes without saying that your family members must also refrain from saying negative things about your ex to the children.

6. Fighting with your EX

 Oh, the mugshots I have seen resulting from F&F taking the fight with your ex to your ex themselves.  Not pretty. An argument or a fight with your ex can have lasting  consequences and may create further legal challenges.

Your F&F may be trying to protect you, but it’s a bad idea to start fights with your ex. Physical altercations can lead to court or jail, and emotional damage. I have, sadly, lost count of the number of cases of wonderful and loving F&F who have been arrested after fighting with their loved one’s ex.

I tell you this with complete confidence: Your divorce doesn’t have to suffer from outside meddling. You have the power to handle meddling family members and make the process easier for everyone involved.

 Did you know I share critical tips and powerful inspiration with friends about divorce and coparenting  once a week? Make sure you don’t miss critical information that can speed up your divorce and your family’s healing. Score an invite here.