Simple Strategies to Avoid Creating a CoParenting Catastrophe

Modern day family life is more complex than ever.

        Contemporary families are different in many profound ways from traditional families that existed decades ago.

Each family is unique and what works for one family is much less likely to work for another in our modern family structure. It is more important than ever for divorced parents to be able to work together cooperatively.

Families need more customized solutions for their divorce and coparenting and to engage more creative problem solving to address the complex schedules, demands and problems parents and children face in these unprecedented times.

Employment

In most two parent families and, especially in coparent families, both parents work. That has become obvious but what is less realized or acted upon is that more parents have opportunities to work from home or have flexible schedules for at least part of the time. It is important to consider these options on the part of both parents and determine what will be truly available in terms of parents' flexibility before settling on a parenting plan.  Are there creative scheduling options that you have been afraid to ask your boss to consider? It is time to outline the parameters of your flexibility thereby giving you an option to leverage the schedule you are proposing?

There are changes to the kinds of challenges parents face in terms of difficult work schedules, increased demand from employers, longer commutes, and frequent travel. Be clear and upfront about the reality of the demands that will be made of you so that you can create a balance with the other parent that can be maintained during challenging or busy periods. 

There has been an increase in relocation due to employment changes. Has relocation become more common in your industry or are there circumstances that suggest relocation is likely to be in your future?  Make sure your plan addresses how relocation of one parent will be handled and how you will be bound to work out a mutually agreeable plan.

Children’s lives

Academic requirements are more rigorous than ever for children. Extracurricular activities are more expensive and extensive and demand greater commitments on the part of children and parents. Consider coming together to create a "Parenting Philosophy" that you will both hold and share with your children.  What process will be in place to determine adding tutoring or changing schools?

Financial Struggles

The cost of living is higher today than it was in the past while incomes have remained steady. Parents experience greater financial struggles. The costs of raising children in two homes is forever increasing.  One parent may have more spending capacity in terms of extras than the other.  If you have a 14 year old or older, what will parents do regarding  the teenager's car?  What requirements will be in place regarding where the car will be kept and how it will be insured?  Perhaps you believe that living in the city your child does not need a car of their own.  Make sure you and your coparent are on the same page.

Best Interests of the Child Standard

We must look at what is in “the best interests of the children” in a way that considers the unique strengths and needs of each person in the family. Go through each child noting strengths and challenges as well as special needs.  Note their personality characteristics.  What must be considered in terms of their schedule, parenting rules, and emotional support?  Also consider the relationship between siblings.  How can your coparenting promote a strong relationship between siblings?  In larger families, determine if it Is possible for each parent to have a some alone time with each child.

 The Legal System

The legal system can exacerbate the differences between parents and make cooperation and effective coparenting more difficult if not impossiible. However, if you work with mediators or collaborative lawyers you will have their support in preserving your ability to coparent your children. 

The evolving needs of children and families has meant that standard parenting plan forms do not meet the needs of unique families. The mounting challenges individuals, families, and children face means that cooperative coparenting is more critical than ever.  Some clients tell me that they are resigned to the fact that their lives will be miserable until their youngest child reaches 18. I am adamant that they can not settle for that.  It is unhealthy for them as parents and humans and it is unhealthy for their children today and as future adults in relationships of their own.  You can absolutely take steps to coparent in a way that is healthy and is predominantly filled with peaceful and happy days.

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