Recognizing the Source of Our Struggle with Approval Seeking After Divorce

I want you to remember:

inherently you have strength, goodness, intelligence, unique talents and so much potential. In addition to your wealth of inherent qualities, you have all the wisdom that you've gained over the years.

Divorce is traumatic. It is a life-quake that impacts every area of our lives.

One of the most insidious effects of divorce is the way it interferes with our ability to feel confident and capable. The way its sound drowns out the basic sense of self that is our truth,

Divorce cannot change what is fundamentally good and true about you. Change is hard but if we have a sense of hope that we can work incrementally to recover, no matter how small our daily changes are, our confidence follows.

If you have the conviction to always keep learning, there is no end to what you can accomplish.

People Pleasing and Approval Seeking and Self Care.

If you are in the midst of divorce or other drastic personal event, it is likely to have been ages since you took the time to take care of yourself.

Add approval seeking or people pleasing and there is likely to be even less time to take care of yourself, physically and emotionally.

One way to begin enacting change in your life post-divorce is to say NO to something that does not serve you so that you can say YES to your own emotional, physical and mental well-being.

The loneliness of divorce is particularly acute and it's something we try very hard to avoid.

When We Avoid Loneliness At The Expense Of Being True To Ourselves

Sometimes it is our avoidance of loneliness and our desire for a sense of safety that serves as the foundation for approval seeking and people pleasing.

What does it mean to be an approval seeker?

Approval seeking involves seeking to gain strength through the validation of others rather than feeling strength of being originating from what we believe about ourselves.

Regardless of our inherent value, when we are in people pleasing mode, we seek the approval of others in order to feel we we have value. 

Example: Repeatedly questioning "Are you mad at me?"

Example: Repeatedly apologizing you don't believe you did something for which  you should feel sorry.

In both of these examples, the individual is willing to beat themselves up internally in order to feel worthy.

Exercise: 

Get a pen and paper or a clean screen on your laptop and write down, without editing, all of the ways you engage in approval seeking.

Are there things for which you feel you must first get approval for in order to be valued or loved?

After you write down the ways you have noticed yourself manifesting approval seeking give yourself kindness and love just for your willingness to bring awareness to this habit.  Awareness is a huge first step.

You are hard-wired to be self-connected.  You need only open the inner door to access to the creative part of you. Self-connection is a game changer. To find out more about how I can help you make this essential connection, read more here.

Dr. Jodi Peary