Break Free From the Toxicity of a Narcissistic Partner

I sense your hesitation. 

The headline caught your attention.

There is so much you have tried to understand about your partner while simultaneously trying to bury in your subconscious the truth of who they are. Oh, the stories we won't let our own selves live with.

There is rarely a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Why would there be? As you've heard leave their lips often enough..."There is nothing wrong with ME! You're the one with the problem. "

Knowing is not easy.  Especially if you were drawn in by a narcissists charm.

Not knowing?

Not knowing is not easy.

But it may be a way to push you beyond the  blaming of yourself for outcomes the narcissist feigns to have no involvement in.

You being here and reading this tells me that, you, my dear, are ready to break free from the toxicity of being in a relationship with a narcissist, ready to break free from the feelings of profound isolation, guilt, being in a never-ending battle, feeling sapped of all energy, and constantly questioning your own senses and sanity. 

Narcissistic behavior exists on a spectrum from healthy confidence to diabolical.  Narcissistic personality disorder is defined by the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), as comprising a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by the presence of at least 5 of the following 9 criteria:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance

• A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

• A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions

• A need for excessive admiration

• A sense of entitlement

• Interpersonally exploitive behavior

• A lack of empathy

• Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her

• A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

  

  In words less formal than those in the DSM 5:

  self-absorbed

  sense of entitlement

  no recognition of needs or feelings of others

  needy for attention

  needy for admiration

  belief of being owed everything

  self-absorbed

  arrogant behavior

  exaggerator of talents

  monopolizer of conversations

  expecting of full compliance with their expectations

  angry and indignant when they don't get special treatment

  easily slighted

  belittling of others

  fly off the handle emotionally

                                           difficulty regulating emotions

   

  Do you know someone who displays more than one or two of these characteristics?

  Have you lived with someone who displays more than one or two of these characteristics? A partner? A parent?  A parent and then a partner?

  What was life like when you were growing up?  Did you have an overly protective or overly critical or neglectful parent? 

  If so, that parental environment may have influenced your belief system. 

  Are you an over-giver?

  Do you wear your heart on your sleeve? 

  This may have been a response to your environment growing up. 

  If I grew up with a narcissistic parent, I hear you asking, why on earth would I situate myself with another narcissist as an adult. Especially now, when I don't have to?

  This is complex but in part it is what you have come to feel you deserve, the way you feel comfortable.  This also makes you attractive to someone with many narcissistic  tendencies.  This is no done deal. I can assure you!

  Also know that the narcissistic individual will act like an amazingly kind and giving human being when out in the wide world.  Often, people will admire these individuals. However, they often act very unkind and unloving behind closed doors. 

  Others may have a hard time believing that this person is anything other than magnificent.  This can leave you with feelings of guilt, shame, or isolation.

  My clients often share that the first years of their relationships with the narcissist were wonderful. They take this memory as evidence that they are somehow to blame. 

  Let's be clear. There is a difference between there focus on you being about you and their focus on you being about them.

  

  Narcissists are very good at manipulation. Their focus on you may be a way to manipulate you to meet their needs.  Warning: their needs may never dissipate. The more you give, the more they want and take.  Hence the reason why so many partner's of narcissists find themselves drained of energy!

  What about the narcissist you find yourself in love with?  Is there hope for effective treatment?  There is hope but successful treatment can be illusive.

  First,  the last thing a narcissist want to hear and even beyond that accept is that there is something wrong with them.  You see, all of that boasting, entitlement, gloating, demanding..... all of those gnarly narcissistic behaviors, they are just a mask!

  Remember what was noted above:

  There is rarely a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Why would there be? As you've heard leave their lips often enough..."There is nothing wrong with ME! You're the one with the problem. "

  Narcissists wear a mask of self-confidence in order to cover their very fragile self-esteem.  Inside they tend to feel a lot of self-loathing.  They feel vulnerable and lose their emotional balance over the slightest criticism. This makes bringing the individual with narcissistic personality disorder into treatment extremely difficult!

  Even if they are willing to obtain therapy, they have a high incidence of being inauthentic with the psychiatrist or psychologist and are less likely to adhere to treatment prescriptions. 

  Also, it doesn't help that they monopolize conversations. Watch that kick in as soon as you suggest or request they modify anything.

Be gentle with yourself, my friend.  All of us are practicing as we move through life, evolving, revising and learning.

You are not to blame and we will come back to discuss further also saying NO to shame.

Take some time exploring this question:

Do you feel like you need to fight for your needs and boundaries?

YOU CAN BREAK FREE FROM THE PULL OF PAST EXPERIENCES AND PATTERNS PERMANENTLY! You can shift your beliefs in order to live a more fulfilling and rewarding life. You can learn to stop giving your power away and build the very good life you so deserve.