Constructive Conflict Isn't An Oxymoron. Some CoParent Conflict is OK

When it comes to the impact of coparenting conflict on children, there is a tendency to lump all conflict together in one heap and label it a villain of parental and, especially, child well-being. 

When creating and validating conflict management tools in research on coparenting,  conflict was often seen as a one dimensional construct that predicts family dysfunction and negative impacts on children's mental health.  However, this is an oversimplification.

Constructive and destructive conflict have different effects on the family and on children. 

It is destructive conflict that is harmful. That not all conflict is harmful is good news because it is unrealistic to set a goal of "No Conflict."

A goal of constructive conflict is attainable.

Transforming destructive conflict into constructive conflict can be motivated by the knowledge that it does not lead to harmful effects on children and that it increases the possibility for win-win solutions on tough problems faced by coparents.

What Is Constructive Conflict?

Constructive conflict involves coparents engaging in respectful behaviors and regulated responses, less emotionally charged discussions.

Constructive conflict behaviors include keeping a sense of humor during disagreements, actively listening to the other person,  and showing support and understanding even during disagreement.

Examples of parent's describing constructive conflict behaviors include “I feel respected even when we disagree” and “During arguments, we are good at taking breaks when we need them."

What is Destructive Conflict?

Destructive conflict includes behaviors that cultivate hostility.  Examples of parent's describing destructive conflict behaviors include,  “When we argue, I feel personally attacked by my partner” and “Little arguments turn into ugly fights with accusations.”

Healthy coparenting relates to the extent to which parents work together as a team supporting each other in their respective parental role in the best interest of the child. Constructive conflict does not detract from healthy coparenting, while destructive conflict does.

When parents feel respected and appreciated as being important to the child, even during disagreements, they are much more likely to cooperate and support each other in their role as parents. Positive and constructive management of interparental conflict has been shown to possibly enhance feelings of security in children and wellbeing in the family.

Are you having difficulty managing conflict with a coparent? 

 Email me at: [email protected] and we can discuss strategies for improving even the most challenging coparenting relationships.