Why is my partner so controlling?

Rich and Amy had been married 8 years and experienced both joy and heartache together. Amy shared that the couple's ratio of joy to heartache had changed drastically, with joy diminishing considerably, if not entirely. 

"I don't know how long it has been since I felt like I love Rich; I know that sounds terrible but I feel like I am really starting to hate him. He's my husband and the father of my children and I don't want to feel this way but I can't help it."

As Amy shared more, I heard she had resentment over Rich's controlling behavior.

It had been just over two years since the couple had their second child and picked up and moved to Phoenix from Pittsburgh. Just two years ago Amy she and Rich had a life filled with hope for what their new life in a completely different world out west would be.

Once settled into their new home, the couple decided to have a third child. The timing was good for an addition to the family because Amy was to be taking a year or two off of work with the move.  The couple was excited about the new pool they were putting in, the black lab they had rescued from the SPCA, and the amazing preschool they had found for their 4 year old. Rich liked the new firm where he worked. They had begun to make new friends through a playgroup Amy attended with their two year old and through the people Rich worked with.

The couple got pregnant.  Sadly, at a little over 6 weeks of pregnancy, Amy had a miscarriage. Amy experienced a great sense of loss. The couple mourned together but had their doctor's blessing, a few months later, to begin to try to get pregnant again.  Amy became pregnant. She felt grateful to be able to conceive again but experienced a lot of fear about the pregnancy not going well. The pain of her miscarriage remained with her.

Amy looked to Rich for support and received the shock of her life.

Rich wanted Amy to terminate the pregnancy. Had she heard him wrong? What did he mean? She reminded Rich that they had prayed for this baby. Rich didn't offer a reason for his change of heart. Amy told Rich that she could not terminate the pregnancy. That day became the first day in a long line of days of Rich not speaking to Amy. Rich used the silent treatment as a way to maintain a sense of control over life and himself and to manipulate Amy.

Control is enacted in ways that are both overt and covert.

Overt control involves the controlling person engaging in physically and/or emotionally aggressive behavior to make another do what they believe needs to be done to maintain a certain order and an image. 

Covert control is indirect or passive aggressive and often involves manipulation, sarcasm, playing the victim, or guilting others to get another to do or be who you want them to be.

The silent treatment is a form of covert controlling behavior.

This covert behavior by Rich which was unremitting.  Rich only spoke to Amy to reinforce his position about the pregnancy. Otherwise he didn't look her way, respond to her when she tried to communicate with him, or even acknowledge her presence.  This behavior occurred in front of their two children. 

Switching to more overt controlling behavior, Rich agreed to go to couple's counseling with Amy until he realized during the first session that the therapist intended to remain neutral and would not join him in trying to convince Amy to terminate the pregnancy. With further overt controlling behavior, Rich refused to pay the therapist and called her worthless.

Rich ignored and refused to speak to Amy until the 12th week of pregnancy, when he did an about face. He realized he could no longer get his way and began to reengage in the marriage as if the prior three months had never happened.

Controlling people want to determine the presentation of themselves and those with whom their self identifies. Rich could not have their new friends or colleagues thinking he was not a good husband. He changed  and denied the way he treated Amy and went about scheduling social events with friends.

Amy gave birth to a healthy child and though she was still very hurt, she wanted to work through her resentment. She was invested in working to better their marriage, though Rich seemed only intermittently so.

Amy's birthday fell on a week-end that year.  Rich mentioned to Amy that he was making plans with friends to go North to Flagstaff the week-end of her birthday. Amy was hurt. Not only would Rich not be around for her birthday week-end but she would have all three children to take care of by herself.  Rich left for his week-end with friends without giving Amy a gift or arranging to celebrate her birthday with the children.

Amy's girlfriends persuaded her to get a babysitter for the evening of her birthday so they could take her out to dinner.   Amy decided she would not be hurting anyone but herself by remaining too angry at Rich to celebrate her birthday. She hired the babysitter and went to dinner with her girlfriends. 

The women went to a high energy new restaurant that was packed with people. Rather than wait an hour for a table, they decided to take seats at the bar and order drinks and appetizers.  Amy had not had a night out with friends in almost a year and was enjoying the evening.  A local TV station came into the restaurant to report on the opening and went into the bar to ask patrons about their experience. Laughing men and women surrounded the reporter and all chimed in to compliment the new establishment. Amy's friends used the opportunity to wish Amy a happy birthday on TV and the other patrons all joined in the birthday wishes. Amy returned home to three sleeping children, payed her sitter, and went to bed. 

Rich returned home the next day without a gift and without asking Amy how her week-end had gone. He commented on the house being a mess and went outside to work on his truck.  When Amy went out to ask what was wrong, Rich only spat that her behavior and the condition of the house were disrespectful.

When the controlling person feels disrespected, they will demand respect in order to override their feelings of  not being worthy of respect.

From that point ensued another few months of the silent treatment, this time in response to jibing he took from his buddies at work who told him they saw Amy on TV and described the men and women cheering birthday wishes to her. Though Rich had done the leaving that week-end, Amy had embarrassed him with her on TV behavior,

Control is meant as a cloak to hide internal shame and the parts of the self that the controlling person believes are undeserving of acceptance and love.

Control over all behaviors and interactions, those of one's self and others, feels critically important in order to diminish the intense discomfort of shame. 

The controller wants to minimize a mistake, having a weakness, or having causing a problem.  They mistakenly believe their control of a situation will fix a problem or mitigate embarrassment. Instead, their need to control only works to further cement the shame based person in the story of their shame in a continuing effort to control it.

Why is my partner 's behavior so controlling?

Ask yourself these questions:

• Does the other party do things as a way to maintain a sense of control over life, appearances and themselves?
• Does the other party exert overt control with physically and/or emotionally aggressive behavior in order to make you do what they believe needs to be done or to maintain a certain order or an image?
• Does the other party exert covert control with indirect or passive aggressive behavior such as manipulation, sarcasm, playing the victim, or guilting you or others to get you to do something or to be who they want you to be?

Sometimes controlling behavior intensifies into violent behavior, making it imperative that you call out or get help for yourself and/or the relationship.