Letting Go of Longing for a Past Lover is an Act of Self-Love

For whomever is out there who needs some real talk in order to give up being OK with unrequited love.

First, let me define precisely what I am referring to. In unrequited love, one person gives love to another who doesn't reciprocate that love. 

As a psychologist, I often hear of the pain of a love relationship ending. Having become out of sync, the loss of the relationship is experienced in different ways and at different times by each member of the couple. Sometimes one partner continues to long  for the  other partner, although there is no prospect of reuniting.

 It won't surprise you that unrequited love is associated with more negative psychological outcomes than mutual love (e.g., depression, anxiety, poorer well-being). You knew this. This is true with highly unbalanced love just as it is with unrequited love.

Yes, sometimes the relationship is ongoing and a break-up hasn't occurred but there is an imbalance in each partner's commitment to the relationship. One is doing all of the taking and the other all of the giving.

The imbalance or lack of commitment to a couple relationship fuels longing, obsession, and despair in the one not ready to accept the end of the relationship. The more interdependent two people are the greater the level of continuing obsession with unrequited love.

One of the things that makes the relationship difficult to let go of is that such pain, shame, and negative feelings as a result of chasing unrequited love is experienced and can coexist with positive feelings.

The positive moments give us the sense that if we chase love it will be reciprocated and if it isn't reciprocated, at least we have been able to love wholeheartedly. The unloved one continues to invest in the relationship. They find being in a relationship, where their own needs are unmet, satisfying in accordance with their lowered standards. Something from the desired one, however small, is better than nothing at all. The unrequited lover may devalue alternative relationships in order to motivate themselves to remain committed to their "ideal" love.

I am often asked: "For happiness, is to love enough or is it only enough when we love and are loved back?"

Because there once was a relationship, there is familiarity with and intimate knowledge of the other. The knowledge feels like a continuing intimacy which fuels longing for the resumption of the relationship. The feeling of intimacy is different from the feeling of contentment that comes in a mutually loving relationship.None of the experience of unrequited love is as romantic as the spurned lover tells themselves it is. 

Pursuing unrequited love is a form of self-abandonment and self-betrayal. The longer one remains in pursuit of the unloving love object, the further away they find themselves from the real, authentic love that is out there alive and waiting for them.

An obsession with seeking external validation from the other sucks your life and energy and quashes any energy you may have to put toward self-love and care.

If this is you my dear, please i magine what you can do with all of the energy you're projecting outwards toward the rejecting former lover. In detail.

If this is you my dear, please ask yourself if there is something else besides the former lover propelling your actions? Might you be seeking to distract yourself from something else going on in your life? Or someone else?
 
Give yourself a set time in which to be fully observant and free of illusion. See how powerful you are and how that power is being wasted on someone living in what might as well be another universe. 

Consider this:

Take all of the energy you are expending to try and receive the love of one who doesn't want the relationship and bring it within your own self. Use it to cultivate self-appreciation and growth that will be a foundation for you to give time and attention to your own healing.

Of course you want to be loved. And you are worthy and deserving of every ounce of that love. However, pursuing that love from someone who no longer wants a relationship is not dedication, it is compulsion. That compulsion is holding you captive. The other's love will not set you free. Only your love for yourself will set you free.

 Choose to compose an ending for that old story so that you will feel and be free for the honest and authentic love that is out there waiting for you.
 
Love is out there everywhere and within you.  Commit to not betraying and not abandoning yourself and notice the return of flow to your life. The return to love that is out there everywhere and within you is an energy that flows when you let it.