Longing For Closeness and Connection

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri Nouwen, Out of Solitude

Friendship is one of life's most important components.

We long for closeness and connection.

Our longing is part of what it means to be human and to be social creatures.

Having a few close friends translates into better physical and mental health, greater well being, and living longer.  Satisfaction with our friends is a better predictor of life satisfaction than number of friends and contact with adult children. Friendship quality is important, more than quantity.

Despite our longings and the importance of friendship, we may find ourselves with fewer close friends than we would like. There are so any reasons for this.

A few of the reasons you may find yourself feeling friendless:

• After years of being overly busy with children and family demands, when those demands lessen, and children move away or we move away from our families of origin, we may finally have the time for friendship but not the means of finding friends. 
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• After going through a divorce or break-up, you may find that people you thought were your friends have chosen to limit their friendship circle to your former partner.  Going out or to events alone when you are used to socializing as a couple can feel uncomfortable. Getting out of your comfort zone is especially difficult when there are a number of other uncomfortable things on your plate, such as an upcoming divorce mediation.
  
• Moving to a new country or across the country can leave you without friends to hang out with in person and little idea of where to go or what to do to meet other people with whom you share things in common.
  

Friendships Take Time

Making friends from acquaintances takes time. 

Recent research has found that it takes about 50 hours of socializing to transform a relationship from familiar acquaintance to casual friend. It takes an additional 40 hours for the relationship to become a real friendship and an additional 200 hours to transform into a close friendship. You may have had a stretch of life without the kind of time it takes to make an acquaintance a good friend. Or you may have spread your time amongst many friends leaving less time to have individual casual friendships develop into close friendships. 

Friendship Quality is Important

Friendships are meaningful when they involve mutual affection and support and include reciprocity of emotional support and actual instances of helping each other out. Self-disclosure makes others more likable and ourselves more likable and makes friendship more meaningful. Yet with the time and vulnerability friendship require you want to make sure you and your potential close friend share common reasons for wanting the friendship.

Of course we seek true friends rather than others who feign friendship for exploitation or opportunistic means.Even after weeding out exploitative individuals, it helps to share common reasons for valuing the making of new friends.

Why did they choose me for a friend?

The Five Main Reasons People Develop Friendships

Recent research has shown there are five main reasons people site for creating friendships:

• Mutual affection and support and a supportive network.
• To have people to socialize with.
• Mating purposes, making friends with the hope that friendship will lead to you meeting an intimate partner.
• Mutual goals of career or social advancement.

 

Choose to invest in relationships with others who have the same goals for the friendship. Know what characteristics you are looking for in a friend such as honesty or intelligence, or sensitivity, or humor, or dependability.

Because friendship is purely voluntary, it is subject to deteriorating or terminating for lack of effort.  Sustaining long lasting, high quality friendships requires we engage in behaviors to maintain the friendship. To maintain quality friendships we must engage in continuing contact and doing activities together.

Investing in Friendship

The four key friendship maintenance behaviors:

1. supportivenss;
2. positivity and expression of the ways the friendship is rewarding;
3. openness and self disclosure;
4. interaction.

Mutual intimacy is key and fosters closeness and commitment. Constructive problem solving is essential for the times disagreements arise. One valuable quality of meaningful friendships to screen for and to foster in yourself is the belief that it is good for me and makes me happy when something good happens to my friend. Friends feel happy for your happiness rather than competitive or jealous.

Because friendship is purely voluntary, it is subject to deteriorating or terminating for lack of effort.  Sustaining long lasting, high quality friendships requires we engage in behaviors to maintain the friendship. To maintain quality friendships we must engage in continuing contact and doing activities together.

How Self-development Impacts Friendship

Three Personal Characteristics that Support Making and Maintaining Friendship

1. Living true to our values and expressing ourselves authentically;

2. Willingness to be vulnerable and take risks;

3. Being intentional and focusing on what matters.

Hiring a Friendship Coach

“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.”
― Muhammad Ali

It can be difficult to make friends as an adult. Friendship coaching will provide you with tangible strategies to create and maintain better friendships.  Friendship coaching can also be helpful if you have been ruminating on an issue with a particular friend and don't know how to communicate or have a difficult conversation with your friend about the issue. Friendship coaching can help you cope with the pain of needing to let a friendship go. Friendship coaching can provide you with the incite and tools to express yourself and live authentically, a critical component of developing meaningful relationships.

As a psychologist, I help individuals find, form, problem solve and create meaningful connection and relationships. Friendship coaching is typically extremely helpful in just a one or two session format. If you would like to chat with me about friendship coaching, do not hesitate to email me at [email protected]