Simply Scared to Death to Trust, Again.

My clients going through or recovering from divorce tell me they can't imagine ever trusting again.

I understand.

Betrayal is ravaging. 

Grieving precedes healing.

Still, I promise them, and I promise you, blanket mistrust may be a mistake.

Living a life without vulnerability and trust will feel protective, at first, and terribly isolating and lonely later.

Our well-being is up to us.

One day, a part of you, the part that knows that life and growth can only thrive within relationships, will tiptoe into your mind with its quiet whisper and ask you, with some trepidation, to make the choice to trust another.

You may or may not be ready.

Either way, you are ready to take the step that is preliminary to trusting others.  That step is to rekindle trust in yourself.

You may be thinking,

"How can I do that after the absolute miserable mess I made getting into and struggling to get out of my past relationship?" 

Dear soul, maybe you made a mistake, as all humans do.

Or maybe things changed, as all things do.

Before you can trust yourself to act in your own best interest, you must forgive yourself for having made a mistake!

The mistake is likely not in choosing to trust but in thinking you somehow had a guarantee that everything would always be okay.

Much of the time life is okay.

Remember the content and peaceful experiences you have had. Experiences you had with others where your trust was warranted and reciprocated.  

Your mind will try to hide them from you.

Of course, the mind means well.

It is trying to protect you from danger and pain. It is insistent that you focus on the bad times and the danger about which they warn.

Oh, but the heart, the lonely heart. The heart is never convinced that safety is everything, that safety is joy, or that safety guarantees any kind of result.

I am a doctor of the mind and yet, here, I side with the heart or at least the heart's relationship with the all powerful mind.

If you are willing to consider my suggestion, start with yourself.

Start with the knowing that you, my courageous friend, can handle whatever life's waves cast upon your shores.

Next, inquire of yourself,

"Is it warranted that I never trust a person in my future because of the behavior of an utterly unique person from my past?"

Just think of all of the things we would never do if we applied this reasoning. And the one who will be lonely and still not guaranteed safe will be you.

Surely you know that your standards will remain high. They may be higher than ever. That is okay!

You will be discerning.

You will use all that you have learned.

But know, our buffers and boundaries do not need to be made of titanium and  lifelong. Allow them enough permeability to be able to love again.  You deserve to love and be loved.

Scared to death to trust is not very different from scared to death to live.

Get My Free Building Better Boundaries Guide and love yourself for your willingness to live courageously!

Jodi