Stop Swiping, Start Connecting:Expert Dating Secrets Revealed

Client after client laments about the grueling nature of dating in middle age. Dating can be a complex and challenging experience and even more so if it has been a few decades since you last dated. Finding a match to date is exceedingly time consuming and self-esteem blasting.

After working with countless singles, I have honed some expertise in cracking the code to making dating more enjoyable and to finding the right person. As a psychologist who also acts as a dating coach I bring a depth of understanding to the dating process, allowing for a more holistic and effective approach.

Learning About Yourself

To make the most of the time spent finding partner potentials to date, you must be as invested in learning about yourself as learning about others through every stage of the dating process, from creating a profile to deciding if you want to continue seeing other people, once you have found someone who feels like a true match.

If you are beginning to date again after a significant life turning point, such as divorce, break-up, or death of your partner, dating will require resurrecting your curiosity about what makes life meaningful for you. 

It also means becoming curious about what makes another an ideal partner for this stage of your life. Holding an image of our ideal partner at the forefront of our minds may lead to feeling disappointment and hopeless. Rather than the perfect or ideal partner, we can learn to set our sights on finding the right partner for you. We must know ourselves well and what we want from life to know who that right person will be.

Be curious. 

For a multitude of reasons, being curious will enhance the dating process and your life overall. 

Being curious about people as people, not only as possible dating prospects, leaves you open to discovering and learning about places, topics and people.

Cultivate curiosity about communication, behavior, and the different ways people convey interest.

Be curious about wherever you find yourself on a date. The menu, the crowd, what a venue is known for.

Learn something new and delightful regardless of whether or not you ever want to see your date again. You can make this happen by researching and suggesting meeting at places that spark your interest or that you have wanted to try or heard interesting things about. 

Prepare Conversation Topics

Practice asking questions that get to the heart of what you hope to find in a partner, especially those questions that may have been out of your comfort zone to ask in the past. Leverage all that you have learned from the relationship choices you made over the years. You are the expert of you. That expert knows what is important to you. Asking compelling questions helps you to learn and grow from every encounter, it exposes you to new ideas, and it increases the chances that you will be intrigued if not delighted by most of your encounters, regardless of whether the particular person you dated is one you intend to see again. By engaging in good conversation you learn more about yourself and what you want in life, not just more about what the other person wants. Make a Promise to Learn Something About Yourself On Every Date.

Listen Actively. 

Prepare open-ended questions that reveal a person's character.

Examples of Open Ended Questions that Reveal Character

What is something you changed your mind about recently and what caused the shift?

When was the last time you apologized to someone?

How do you handle set-backs?

How would your closest friends describe you?

What is a book, movie, or piece of art that has had a profound impact on you?

Date with Intention

Determine your relationship goals and remain mindful of them when selecting a person to date and when deciding whether a second date is in the future.

Identify your non-negotiables. Try to determine whether these apply to a particular person before agreeing to the date or at least by the end of the first date. What are your personal red flags and green flags? Devise a method for scoping these flags out in case they are flying low.

Prioritize the Person's Capacity for Self-Awareness.

Does this person show awareness of their emotions?

Do they seem to be open to getting to know you and to allowing you to get to know them?

Don't Be to Quick To Write a Potential Person Off

Even people who are very confident in other areas of their lives can become very nervous on a first date and this may impact their level of charisma or quality of conversation.

It may take a second date to see another's person's true personality, provided you have not spotted any of your non-negotiables or red flags.  If after the second date, their personality rubs you the wrong way, write that person off for future dating. 

Invest In Yourself and Pursue Your Passions

In pursuing your passions or expanding your interests and activities you put yourself in a place where you may meet or attract another who appreciates who you are for you. We also feel confident and attractive when we are engaged in doing an activity we love.

Commit to Being Authentic

When you practice being truly authentic in your dating and conversations you increase the odds of finding the right person and of the right person knowing they have found a potential partner in you.  Your life experiences have made you the unique person you are. Your quirks are endearing to the right person. Don't deprive the right person of finding you by hiding who you are behind a mask of people pleasing or social acceptance. Silence your inner critic to let your spirit shine.

Describe In Detail The Person You See Yourself Falling in Love With.

"I am looking for a fierce love." is not enough to hone in on the right person in a sea of online matches. Write and revise a page about the kind of person you see yourself falling in love with and what the characteristics of that love are.  With every conversation or date you should be able to become more and more specific. Revise your page with added details as you learn them.

Collect Experiences and Memories.

Commit to visiting one new place a week with a date or with a friend or by yourself. This increase your ability to consistently meet new people of many different walks of life. It also builds your bank of conversation topics or potential dating locations and keeps you interested in your own life.

Hiring A Psychologist as a Dating Coach

The combination of psychological expertise and dating coaching is very powerful.

The Unique Value of a Psychologist as a Dating Coach:

• Understanding Underlying Issues:

• A psychologist can help clients identify and address deep-seated issues that may be sabotaging their dating lives, such as attachment issues, anxiety, or low self-esteem.
• They can help clients recognize and break negative relationship patterns.

• Emotional Intelligence:

• Psychologists are trained in understanding human behavior and emotions, which is crucial for navigating the complexities of dating.
• They can help clients develop emotional intelligence, improve communication skills, and build healthier relationships.

• Evidence-Based Strategies:

• Psychologists can apply evidence-based techniques, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), to help clients overcome dating anxieties and build confidence.

• Ethical Considerations:

• Psychologists adhere to strict ethical guidelines, ensuring that clients receive professional and responsible guidance.

How I, as a Psychologist,  Approach Dating Coaching:

• Assessment:

• I conduct thorough assessments to understand your dating challenges and underlying issues.

• Personalized Strategies:

• I develop personalized dating strategies based on your individual needs and goals.

• Skill Development:

• I teach my clients essential dating skills, such as communication, social skills, and boundary setting.

• Confidence Building:

• I help my clients build their self-confidence and overcome dating anxieties.

• Relationship Education:

• I will educate you on healthy relationship dynamics and red flags.

In essence, as psychologist who also acts as a dating coach I bring a depth of understanding to the dating process, allowing for a more holistic and effective approach.