Strong Boundaries Promote Healthy Intimacy

I receive a slew of questions about personal boundaries. So, I decided to put together a few resources in the next few emails to answer the questions that I think many have but may not have the opportunity to have answered in a therapy or coaching session. 

Over the years, I have noticed that people share boundary issues in a way that suggests adopting a tough vibe. From there come the questions, “Would saying no to someone result in something terrible happening?” “Would it make someone swear me off as a friend?” “Will I be single forever?”

On an intellectual level we understand that setting boundaries reflects self-respect. To take that knowledge a step further, there is research that supports the idea that practicing setting personal boundaries builds self-esteem. The difficulty comes when it’s real life and our understanding is complicated by uncomfortable emotions.

Kristen shared,”I’ve always equated being a good friend and family member with doing whatever anyone asks of me. If someone needs help, you help. If someone’s having a get-together and invites you, you’d better be there. Saying no is rude, so never, ever say no. I think this is a common thing we teach little girls — always be polite and take care of everyone else before you take care of yourself.”

Kristen came to realize that doing whatever anyone asked of her led to her depleting her energy. She realized this when she fell asleep at her desk because she had taken her neighbor to the airport at 4am that morning.

The neighbor texted Kristen the night before: “Hey. Can you give me a ride to the airport tomorrow? At 4am?” Three grimacing emojis.

Kristen said yes and at 4am on the button had her trunk popped. Kristen shared that her neighbor got in her car and said, “Wow! I can’t believe you actually said yes. My husband is mad at me for asking you because he thought it was really rude. But I told him you said yes!”

Kristen couldn’t stop thinking about that on the hour long drive home. 

“Why did I say yes? Well, because I thought I couldn’t say no. It was that simple.”

It is also common to fear that having strong boundaries means being isolated and alone. The opposite is true. Strong boundaries promote nearness and healthy intimacy, not distance.  When we have strong boundaries we can be, honor, and love ourselves while also protecting and nourishing a relationship.

The subject of boundaries and personal space can be taught to children with social stories. If you are interested in reading an example of a personal space social story for children, check out this link:

Personal Space Social Story

https://happylearners.info/social-stories/personal-space.html

I would love to hear from you on this topic. 

How are you at setting boundaries?

When was the first time it really hit home for you that you could?

The next stop on the personal boundary tour is the technique known as  “The Full Body Yes.” I look forward to sharing it with you!

Take care and I look forward to hearing from you on setting boundaries in the midst of your full creative lives.

Jodi