The Six Essential Personal Boundaries

As humans, we all need both connection and autonomy. Balancing our needs for both is a lifelong practice. The challenge is like a tide that rises and falls.

The typical wrestling to achieve balance and the resulting lean in the direction of connection over autonomy or vice versa is distinguishable from having an extreme emphasis on either connection or autonomy. The later can leave us lonely or living a life in chaos. To avoid life at either extreme, we can engage in the daily practice of setting boundaries.

What is meant by Personal Boundaries?

Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves with others.

Unhealthy Boundaries are personal boundaries that are too rigid or too porous.

Rigid or Porous Boundaries

A symptom of overly porous boundaries is codependency. Codependency involves the loss of self and caring and doing for others even at the expense of self. The other boundary extreme is to have rigid boundaries, which is to be self-isolating and averse to connection with others.

Context plays an important role in determining the level of boundaries an individual needs in a particular relationship. The contexts of family, romantic relationships and friendships, hold unwritten rules about boundaries. It can happen that we come to believe we must adhere to the boundary rules in a particular context in order to be cared for in the relationship. 

In response to the need to be loved or the need to be safe, we may dissolve the boundaries that protect our autonomy with another or the boundaries that support close connection, leading to isolating ourselves. The same person can experience both extremes.  A person who doesn't set limits may initially  become so available that they feel used or disrespected which makes them feel resentful and may lead to them not letting others in at all. A viscous cycle may ensue.

Boundaries are not only supportive of our selves but they enable us to be in relationships with others.

There are different types of boundaries, some are more obvious than others. All are essential.

The 6 Types of Boundaries

1. Physical
2. Intellectual
3. Emotional
4. Sexual
5. Material
6. Time

This article will focus mainly on the first 4 types of boundaries.

Physical Boundaries

Physical boundaries concern the space around our bodies and physical touch. Physical boundaries set forth what is appropriate in terms of the space we desire to keep open around ourselves, the way we greet each other and the way and where we touch each other.

An example of Porous Physical Boundaries: Ellen is flustered. Marianne introduced Ellen to her partner Bruce. Though Ellen had put out her hand to shake Bruce's, Bruce ignored Ellen's hand and pulled Ellen close to him in a close tight hug that seemed to Ellen to last way too long. Ellen said nothing of the embarrassment and discomfort she felt from Bruce's hug. Ellen avoided Bruce throughout the party. When it was time to leave, Ellen became nervous as Bruce approached her to say good-bye. She could tell Bruce was getting ready to pull her into another hug, which she dreaded. Ellen decided all she could do was grin and bear Bruce's embrace, this time lasting longer and involving him pressing his entire upper torso and hips into her body. Ellen allowed the embrace because she wanted Bruce and Marianne to like her and she didn't want to seem stuck up or standoffish.

In this example, setting a physical boundary may have been for Ellen to say "I am more of a hand shaker, I prefer not to hug."

An example of Rigid Physical Boundaries:  Abby avoided getting serious in relationships. She enjoyed friendships and dating but would never allow anyone over to her home or to even know where she lived. She feared that if she did, people would show up uninvited even if she asked them not to. 

In this example, setting a less rigid physical boundary may have been for Abby to let her closest friend know where she lived and since she often went over to her friend's home, to reciprocate the invitation and invite the friend over to her place the next time they decided to hang out. Of course, Abby has the right not to reciprocate. However, since she felt unknown by her friends, even though she new much about them, she may consider changing the boundaries around having friends over.

Intellectual Boundaries

Intellectual boundaries concern respect for each other's thoughts and ideas as well as the types of information and discussion that are suitable for a particular occasion.

An example of porous intellectual boundaries:  Marla was hosting a birthday party for her son Kent, who was turning 4. While she was cutting the birthday cake, her husband, Kent's stepfather, stated a number of criticisms of Marla regarding her beliefs about giving children sugar and gluten. Whenever her husband said these types of things to her in public, Marla did not address them even though it made her angry to hear him devalue her ideas about children's diets and her parenting in public at a birthday party she was hosting. Marla felt that if she said anything to her husband the whole day would be ruined because he would continue to argue with her throughout the day as he had done many times before.

In this example, Marla can set an intellectual boundary with her husband regarding his criticism of her parenting beliefs and choices, about his criticism of her way of thinking in front of others, and about his criticisms bringing the attention toward himself instead of her child at her child's birthday party.

An example of rigid intellectual boundaries is found in the partner who keeps all of his spending to himself as well as the amount and origin of the money he receives. If the partner becomes concerned that there has been financial infidelity and tries to discuss her feelings with her partner and the partner insists upon privacy and dismisses the other's questions about financial infidelity as ridiculous, that partner's boundaries are rigid and may be fueling mistrust between the partners.

Emotional Boundaries

Emotional boundaries involve respect for emotions and feelings.

An example of an emotional boundary violation: Grace was expereincing sorrow about the death of a man she loved. Her way of mourning did not involve staying home at night. Instead, she spent her time out of work running, going to the gym, and hanging out at the homes of friends. Grace's friend questioned whether Grace had ever loved the man who passed since she was going out in the evenings so soon after his death. Grace may want to set the boundary that she does not want to be told what to feel or what to think or how to mourn.

An example of rigid emotional boundaries is to have great difficulty with self disclosure about your feelings with people you care about and who care about you. Jacob became angry whenever Josh worked late. Instead of discussing his feelings with Josh, Jacob remained in their bedroom and became silent went Josh returned home.

Sexual Boundaries

Sexual boundaries refer to the emotional, intellectual and physical aspects of sexuality, and the commitment to mutual understanding and respect for each others sexual desires and limits.

An example of a sexual boundary violation is to continue to pressure another to engage in a particular sexual act despite knowing they do not want to engage in that act. Carl wanted Mary to engage in sex with another person present. Mary refused. Carl continued to pressure Mary to engage in a threesome even going so far as arranging opportunities for his desire to be acted out. He would then become angry with Mary for ruining his plans.

Another less physical example of a sexual boundary violation is to begin discussing intimate sexual details with someone you have only just met.

Material Boundaries

Material boundaries involve limits regarding what you will share and with whom about money and possessions and the extent to which you will share money and possessions. A material boundary violation is exemplified by the sister who borrows a pair of jeans and never returns them.

Time Boundaries

Time boundaries involve respecting the value of another person's time and valuing your own time to take care of your self. Someone who is consistently late or manipulative with your time may be violating your time boundaries.

If you are experiencing loneliness or feel as if your life is chaotic and out of your control, you may want to look more closely at your relationships and the contexts in which you live and consider whether your boundaries are a contributing factor.

You are hard-wired to be self-connected.  You need only open the inner door to access to the creative part of you. Self-connection is a game changer. To find out more about how I can help you make this essential connection, read more here.