A CoParenting Tip that Makes So Much Sense, Even if You Deplore Your Ex

Imagine your child getting double the recommended dose of a vaccine, waiting alone outside of the school gymnasium because their parent did not show up, or missing the field trip to the Musical Instrument Museum because their permission slip was not returned. Coparenting is sometimes logistically challenging, yet certain parenting practices not only make coparenting easier for you, they make being coparented  easier for your child.

This tip will seem ridiculously obvious and yet, trust me, as a psychologist, I have seen  that it so often is not practiced by coparents.

Share with your coparent all information about your children that you would want shared with you.

Yes, that's it! This is smart and simple guidance that makes so much sense (even if you deplore your ex)!  It also supports your child's continuing safety.

An easy 2 minute email or 47 second text will prevent the logistical nightmares, inconveniences, and broken little hearts you are knocking yourself out in other ways to avoid. Yet, so often a heads up or an FYI is not in the regular course of coparent to coparent communication. 

These are wonderful parents, of which you are no doubt one since you are taking the time to read this article, who choose to eliminate all communication with the other parent. They have spent so many years in conflict with this person, their ex, that they have vowed not to waste even one minute more of their life arguing with them. Or they are tired of their coparent's nosiness, which they believe implies the other parent thinks they are not a good enough parent.

This story is about parents who want, with all of their hearts, to be good parents but who are not willing to communicate with each other.

Mother and father had one child, Melanie, who just turned five. The parents had joint legal custody with parenting time on a week-on/week-off schedule.

Melanie was on the cusp of a big milestone; she was to start kindergarten in August. The school district she would be attending required she be immunized before the first day of school.

Early in the week of Fatherʼs parenting time in late July, father took Melanie, without telling mother, to a new pediatrician that he had selected, Dr. Porter, for immunizations. There were two reasons for not sharing his intentions with mother in advance of the appointment.

One, father felt the pediatrician that mother used clearly favored mother and blamed him for an an accidental injury Melanie sufferred at age three while the family was on a camping trip. That trip being one, mother told Melanie's pediatrician at the time, that father had insisted upon.  She had never wanted to go on a rugged trip with a three year old.  Father recalled mother, at the appointment, asking rhetorically, "Why wasn't Disney Land good enough?"

Two, father remembered, as if it happened yesterday, an argument he and mother had during which mother said she did not believe in giving Melanie vaccinations. Father decided that, rather than start another war with mother, he would just take Melanie to the new pediatrician himself and not mention the appointment or immunization to mother. Melanie would not be going back to her mom's for another four days and the whole thing would be forgotten by then. Father sent Melanie's immunization record to her new school.

During motherʼs next assigned week, she took Melanie to her old pediatrician, Dr. Kinter.  There, Melanie got the same immunizations for a second time. It was true that Mother did not like the idea of immunizations for Melanie yet she came to terms with the fact that she would have to comply in order for Melanie to attend school.

Mother thought about how, since the camping injury when Melanie was three, Melanie's father had never once taken Melanie to the pediatrician. Also, father was always so "busy" he would likely not be paying any attention to what they needed to do to get Melanie ready for school. Mother did not inform father of the immunizations given at Dr. Kinter's and simply sent the immunization record to Melanie's new school.

It was mid-afternoon on the first day of kindergarten, when mother and father each received a call from the school nurse, asking why Melanie had received two sets of immunizations.

Neither parent intended to harm Melanie. They each wanted to follow the school rules and did not think the other party would be willing to do so.

Melanie was immunized twice within a two-week period, an outcome that was clearly not in Melanie's best interest.

Even though neither parent intended to harm Melanie, they both put her health at risk by failing to inform each another about her immunizations. Father wanted to avoid conflict with mother and mother assumed father would play a role similar to the role he played when married.

Sharing information with the other parent via email in advance of a medical procedure is always the right way to coparent. Sharing dates and times when children's activities are changed without advance notice is always the right way to coparent.

This is where optimism fits in. There is so much you can do to keep your home peaceful and your children well, provided you are willing to communicate about essential information. 

To get my FREE guide, 60 Tiny Tips for Enlightened CoParenting click here.