We're Talking Life Span, Not Wing Span!

From the day we are born until the day we die: Lifespan

What we can know, see, do (i.e. reach) today: Wingspan

The family is a system, all members influence each other. The family system changes with transitions, such as kids going off to college, marriage, divorce. Despite these changes, the family continues to exist and be a source of influence on our lives. The family system is a powerful influence on the relationships experienced by each of its members, relationships both inside and outside of the family system.

The family system continues to influence the quality of personal relationships across the life span.

It is well known that the experience of parental marital conflict and divorce may result in
long-term consequences for social outcomes and personal relationships in
young adults whose parents get divorced. The experience of parental conflict being particularly troubling for kids. The divorce itself can be a turning point in terms of conflict.

The continuing influence of the family system on children after divorce does not have to be universally negative. In fact, as parents change their roles and communication patterns and learn positive ways of working through challenges together as coparents,  there can be positive changes in the way children are influenced by their parents and the family system. Divorce and the following years offer the opportunity for parents to change the family landscape. Instead of thinking of the family as broken, we can make it a time for healing.

It is no small challenge to evoke healing during and after divorce. However, we should not be confused by the differing trajectories of parents and children. If brought into a stable and less stressful iteration of the family, the length of the most difficult period can be shortened for children. Parents have the power to shorten the time span needed for children to mourn the loss of the family in it's prior form. (I would suggest that doing so may shorten the grieving period for adults since much of what we suffer from  (but still different time span for parents).

Even after divorce, the family system serves as the primary model of personal relationships.  The social interaction patterns and relationship expectations learned
within the family (before and after divorce) serve as the basis of behaviors and cognitions within other personal relationships. 

"Do the best you can until you know better and than when you know better do better." Maya Angelou

The wingspan of influence, being what you believe you can access today to make the family supportive for children, is the place to begin. Know that this is only the beginning. 

The anxiety and stress between two people in a family can be lessened when we do not perceive the other as a threat to what we hold most dear. Working with a coparenting expert can be a temporary safe space to reset the roles and communication patterns between coparents. It's an investment parents can make to change the influence of the family system for the life span of all of its members.

If you have coparenting questions or you would like to discuss working with me to reset your family system to being a positive influence for all family members, email me at [email protected] or give me a call at 602.803.6666.

I am very optimistic about the way divorced parents can provide a happy and healthy environment for kids.