Being Physically together and Being Psychologically Together are Distinct Things.

"It’s important to remember that ‘togetherness’ is both an objective experience and a psychological one.” Gregory Walton

Making sense of our feelings when we are experiencing loneliness is not easy. Mindfulness about what our feelings of loneliness are rooted in shifts the way we make sense of things. We realize that opening our minds to a new perspective on what we are experiencing can qualitatively change our sense of self, others, and the social situations in which we find ourselves.

Physically together and psychologically together are distinct things. You can be with others physically yet feel lonely. You can also be physically separated yet still feel connected. Even if you are each alone, you both know that you are in each other’s thoughts. That sense of connection is something we have the ability to cultivate intentionally. 

If you are feeling lonely, you certainly are not alone in that...

A CoParenting Tip that Makes So Much Sense, Even if You Deplore Your Ex

Imagine your child getting double the recommended dose of a vaccine, waiting alone outside of the school gymnasium because their parent did not show up, or missing the field trip to the Musical Instrument Museum because their permission slip was not returned. Coparenting is sometimes logistically challenging, yet certain parenting practices not only make coparenting easier for you, they make being coparented  easier for your child.

This tip will seem ridiculously obvious and yet, trust me, as a psychologist, I have seen  that it so often is not practiced by coparents.

Share with your coparent all information about your children that you would want shared with you.

Yes, that's it! This is smart and simple guidance that makes so much sense (even if you deplore your ex)!  It also supports your child's continuing safety.

An easy 2 minute email or 47 second text will prevent the logistical nightmares, inconveni...

Five simple mindfulness practices that you can employ today to shift from high-conflict to Enlightened CoParenting:

1. Remain attuned to subtle changes in your children’s behavior.

Responding to a highly emotional child with patience is much easier to do when a child is not completely overwhelmed by what is bothering them.

By noticing subtle changes in your child’s behavior you gain the opportunity to address the challenges your child is experiencing before those challenges become overwhelming to them. 

When problems feel approachable to children and approachable to us we are better situated to solve them with less anxiety along the way.

2.Take the time and make space for learning how your child is perceiving the many changes that separation and divorce brings. 

Doing so builds our empathy muscle.

Even if you are facing the lengthy to-do list your lawyer gave you, trying to translate  financial information, or engaging confronting other legal demands, make sure to paus...

As a parent who is thinking about divorce, going through divorce, or divorced, you have more than likely experienced concern, fear, and anxiety about how your children will be impacted by divorce. 

You want to continue providing your children with a healthy and happy childhood and to give them the tools to build resilience. But how, amidst the lifequake that is divorce?

Enlightened Coparenting is a coparenting journey to improve your coparenting relationship, deepen your relationship with your children, and to reconnect with your self and engage in self care. 

All 3 relationships, coparent to coparent, parent to child, and parent to self, are important in Enlightened CoParenting, as all 3 are essential to healthy coparenting.

Enlightened CoParenting fits perfectly into every different type of family. For all families, divorce has simultaneous effects on every area of family members' lives. This is the source for the intense stress, uncertainty, anger, feelings of in...

What is a child-centered divorce?  A simple question often followed by a very long, difficult to understand answer.

An Easy To Understand Definition of Child-Centered Divorce:

A divorce in which parents create an environment where both parents and lawyers respect the decision to place the children’s emotional and physical needs at the forefront of their minds when making decisions related to separation or divorce.

If we are honest, child-centered divorce is often what we say we want at the beginning of the divorce process and what we continue to want in our hearts throughout the process but what we are deathly afraid that to do because we think it means our soon to be ex will take us to the proverbial cleaners or leave us destitute.

Guess what?  A child centered approach actually helps us to find resolutions where both parents can live separately and yet live a good life together with their children.

To read my post about why a child-centered divorce makes good economic sen...

Holidays are full of cherubs and challenges. The magic is in keeping the cherubs far from the challenges. I am often asked, "How can coparents avoid last minute holiday heartbreak?"

It is really important not to get too attached to a particular date for holiday rituals.  Holidays are difficult, especially in the first year post separation.  If the love you and your children have for each other is all you need to make the holiday season special, the date itself will not be what matters but rather what you do with the days you have with your children during the holiday season. Their is nothing innately sacred about the date you choose to wake up and have a holiday brunch and open presents.  The calendar does not make the day special, you and your children do.

When you are new to coparenting, you will find that it is a time to create new holiday rituals that go with your new home or home situation and your new life.  If you will be the only adult celebrating the holidays with the chil...

The Surprising Ways Enlightened CoParenting and a Child-Centered Divorce Benefits Parents

In Enlightened CoParenting,™ we shift to a child-centered perspective.  It takes courage to make the shift when we have many different worries on our plate, but there are surprising ways enlightened coParenting™ and a child-centered divorce benefits parents.

What is a child-centered divorce? 

A child-centered divorce is one where parents clearly and consciously create an environment that supports their decision to place their children’s emotional and physical needs at the forefront of their minds when making life-altering decisions related to separation or divorce. We engage in emotion focused parenting and mindful parenting. Yes, this is still possible before, during, and after divorce.

Child-centered implies it is good for kids. The underlying often quietly whispered truth is that child-centered divorce profoundly benefits parents, personally and in their role as parents.

I want to ke...

Three Good Things: A Psychology Exercise Proven To Increase Happiness

One of my favorite small things you can do to make a big difference in your life is a technique called “Three Good Things.”

“Three Good Things” is one of the most well-known positive psychology exercises to increase well-being. It is so simple and yet research has shown it works. 

There is a short and a long term way of doing the exercise.

Short Version Instructions:

Each day remember and list three positive things that have happened in your day and reflect on what caused them. List specific rather than general things. 

Mine today as it relates to my work:

1. I am grateful for Zoom and to be able to see my clients even though we can not meet in person.
2. I am grateful to my clients for sharing their experiences with me and teaching me new things every time we meet.
3. I am grateful for all the people out there who dedicate their lives to research that helps others find new ways to increase well-being. 

Longe...

Narcissistic abuse often equates with emotional abuse. It is difficult to find support when one is being emotionally abused by a spouse or ex-spouse, which makes the abuse even more devastating and isolating.

Why is it so hard to find support for narcissistic abuse? I have written before about the shame we may feel as victims of narcissistic abuse which makes it extremely difficult to ask for help. But there is another insidious reason that even when we have the courage to reach out for help, we may not be heard, even by the people who we are closest to.  

When we finally muster up the courage to share our experiences with a friend or family member, we relay the more recent incidents of cruelty and abuse that we have experienced.   We share with friends or family members the examples of the mistreatment not yet suppressed, and they may think none of the incidents were a big deal.

The friend or family member considers just the one or two accounts of emotional abuse they have heard

...