The Myth That We Need to Carry Our Stress to Grow Stronger

All life transitions bring stress, even the amazing transitions, the ones we have worked so hard to make happen.

Difficult transitions create even more stress and make the challenges and pain worse. Here is speak of this later variety of stress, the raunchy cousin of the stress of witnessing miracles.

So why do we tend to hold onto every ounce of stress like it's a precious jewel?

We grasp and cling to stress like we are afraid that if we loosen our grip it just might, like the proverbial one million grains of sand, slide right through our fingertips.

Stress is coveted for many different reasons.

Don't get me wrong. There are good reasons galore for appreciating stress. One being, it motivate peak performance. But remember, the stress discussed here is the ball and chain kind of stress. The I not only can't run but I can barely walk kind of stress. 

Surely you have noticed how holding on to stress offers diminishing retu...

Take a Match to the Divorce Story Edited By Shame.

I created Break Up to Brilliance to both honor the loss women experience when a relationship ends as well as to honor them, their heart and soul. It's important to me that they do not lose sight of all that they are beyond the role they played in their relationship. 

Endings create a clearing for new growth. Sometimes that new growth can be stunted by a story that keeps the past alive, keeps it ongoing.  Listen to the story you are telling yourself about your divorce.  If it were totally up to you and didn't include input from others who know nothing of your experience or includes input from a culture that tries to shame a woman and suggest she is not enough.  If that is the case, you must rewrite the narrative.

This story of your divorce experience must be in your authentic voice and reflect what you actually lived through.

Listen to the story you are telling yourself about your divorce.  Is it a novel? Historical fiction? Is the...

It's Sickening...Literally!!!!!

Perception of stress influences the effects of stress.

It is stress awareness day.

Cue the band, right?

Let me guess, you are already out celebrating.

I’m kind of torn here, obsessed as I am with seeing 2 sides to everything.

I want to chat with you briefly about stress because it is an important topic, but…. I don’t want to stress you out by doing so.

Since I am a psychologist specializing in helping people with family and relationships (that may be how we got to know each other) and family and relationships are two of the five factors most often cited as a source of stress, I believe it is important I share something helpful.

Pertinent fact:

The way we experience stress impacts whether stress will help us or hurt us.

A massive study found that when people were feeling they were stressed out + also believed that feeling stressed out would be harmful to their health, they had a 43% increase in the risk of premature death.

But get thi...

The Most Accomodating Family Member Absorbs the Anxiety for the Entire Family 

Family members are intensely connected emotionally.

 This connectedness can foster reactivity.

 As family members, we react not just to each other's behavior but to what we believe are each other's needs and  expectations.  We watch carefully, albeit mostly subconsciously, for changes in each other’s behavior. We do so in order to predict what will happen next, based upon past experience.

The family members watching another’s behavior will react in what they believe will be reciprocal to the action they are predicting is about to occur.  Around it goes, a change in one person's behavior or functioning will lead to a reciprocal change in the functioning of others.

It's impossible not to be impacted by other members of the family system, even if we are separated, especially if we are still parenting, because family members are emotionally interdependent on each other to some degree.

This emotional in...

Post Traumatic Growth

Our hardest seasons make us the people we are meant to be. That can be hard to hold onto when going through divorce.

 Let’s talk about Divorce.

  It's a hard word to say.

One of my clients went an entire year before she told anyone she worked with that she was divorced. Our culture attaches shame to the word divorce.  Our culture attaches failure to the word divorce.

Women are more likely to accept blame for the end of the marriage. There are social and cultural forces guiding her to do so. Women tend to assume emotional responsibility for the success of the marriage and parenting, and are therefore more likely to personalize the marriage ending and experience greater feelings of guilt and shame about divorce and parenting. These feelings of guilt and shame can last long after the marriage ends as can the feelings of devastation.

No matter what stage of divorce you are in, divorce can feel like an emotional wrecking ball hitting you in the gut with each swing. 

But the ending of a marriage in divorce, also creates a clearing for new growth. 

I’m Jodi Peary, a psychologist and former...

Recover Your Sense Of Self After Divorce

Remember the person you were before you ever met your partner and long before you became a couple? That person is still in there and when going through divorce we you need that self more than ever. 

In my divorce recovery work, I hear again and again "I don't even know who I am anymore!" Clients relate that their connection to self feels distant or lost.

WHO AM I AFTER 20 YEARS OF BEING SOMEONE'S PARTNER?

 

"As I tended to the ending and the rituals for closure, I asked myself who is left? Am I alone good enough, worthy enough to be a mother to my three children? "

Divorce from a partner can feel like a divorce from our selves, particularly if we lost our unique sense of self in the marriage.

This loss of self becomes even more acute if the divorce process activates in overdrive our inner critic.   Our culture rewards chronically self-evaluative human beings. Wanting to learn, grow and change is healthy and a form of resilience.  T...

The Difference Between Self-Esteem and Self-Love

You may think the terms self-esteem and self-love refer to the same thing .Self-esteem and self-love build on each other but are critically different. Awareness of the way these elements differ provides critical insights. Self esteem and self love influence each other.

 Self-esteem:

Self-esteem refers to our level of feelings of accomplishment, success, and self-respect.  Building self-esteem involves listening to the inner talk inside of ourselves.  That inner talk is tied to our self-esteem and performance. Self-esteem influences inner dialogue which influences performance.

The way we build confidence in our skills and know ourselves to be capable.

Examples of expressions of self-esteem:

"I'm a good mom."

"I'm great at handling the crunch of tax season."

"I'm a a protective dad".

Some people are extremely high functioning and have high self esteem, but they have little self-love.

I practiced law with a colleague who was a men...

 4 Keys to Communicate and Negotiate with a Nightmare of a CoParent

Communication and negotiation with a nightmare of a coparent seems impossible. It's not! The science behind conflict resolution techniques will keep you calm, cool, courageous, and confident as you steer the healthy course for yourself and your children.

Lilly and Mark have an agreement where they share custody and alternate week-ends of their daughter Sally.  Mark is scheduled to have parenting time with Sally on an upcoming week-end beginning Friday. On Thursday evening, Mark calls Lilly to say that he has just been invited snowboarding and tells Lilly they will have to switch week-ends.  He will take Sally the next week-end and Lilly will keep Sally this weekend. Mark needs to know now that Lilly will alternate week-ends.

 Lilly has plans for this week-end and does not want to switch last minute.

 Mark remembers that in the mediator's office 6 months earlier, Lilly had said she would agree to alternate we...